Writing to you from seat 4C on my flight to JFK this morning. As I leave Miami’s 78F temperatures I’m not looking forward to the balmy 35F in NYC today….. Burrrr.  But, I’m on TV tonight and speaking at the Yale School of Management tomorrow, so off I go.

If you follow my blog much you know how often I’m popping here and there to speak about how understanding communication and the nonverbal signals we send will change your life. 

This morning before I hopped aboard I got this email from a screenwriter I worked with last week, “…Not to blow smoke but it REALLY WORKS!! You are a true artist of your craft. Look forward to seeing you again… Best, Raul.” Knowing that I have helped someone keeps me getting up at 5am to get on the next flight.

Sometimes we convince ourselves that something will never work or maybe you even say "…she can do it, but I never could…."

I’ve lost track of the number of times I hear at these events, “Oh Sharon, I couldn’t possibly do what you do, getting up and speaking in front of even a small group let alone a group this size.” 

My answer is B.S! My closest friends will tell you that I give new meaning to the words introverted and shy.

Three reasons it’s B.S.….

1. When your Why is more important than your ego, it becomes a mission to help people transform their lives.  See yesterday’s post if you need to get your Why.
2. Getting past the fear of public speaking is only accomplished by doing it. Once you have the experience the old gremlin of the unconscious mind can no longer tell you “you can’t do it.”  You just did it.  The gremlin may creep up again and say, “Oh that was just a fluke.” Force yourself to speak in public again and again if necessary. You keep getting better and better.
3. I’ve never had an audience want to see me fail. They didn’t come to see you crash and burn, they came to hear you give them what they want. I look at it this way, even in an audience of 1000 if I can give just one person the "A Ha" they were looking for then all my pre-show jitters were worth it.

So how do I get those butterflies flying in formation? 

Become a conscious master of your breathing.  Too many of us spend our days breathing high in the chest and rapid, constantly activating the fight or flight response. When fight or flight is constantly on, we feel exhausted.  There is no neutral when stuck in the cycle of high breathing.  Breathing completely, low, slow, and full “belly” is nature’s neutral.

Breathing, while natural, isn’t always easy to control. Just as your eyes respond automatically to emotional stimuli, so do changes in your breathing. Changing how you breathe in a situation is often reactive, not proactive. You can tell yourself to breathe low, full complete breaths as you go face the next audience; but the nervous system frequently takes over. Many times, you may not even be aware that your breathing has become rapid and shallow until you find yourself searching for words or feeling as though you can’t think clearly.

Breathing is more than supplying oxygen to your lungs; it profoundly influences your mood, how your brain functions, how sensitive your nerves are, and how tired or alert you feel. Breathing naturally and comfortably, no matter the situation, delivers a verbal and non-verbal message of confidence and poise.

Don’t believe me? Do a little experiment. Quickly sniff (short rapid inhales through the nose) ten times. What are you feeling right now?

Most people feel a twinge of anxiety or anxiousness. That is the beginning of the fight-or-flight response.  Proactively monitor your breathing to make sure your breathing is sending a message of being confident and comfortable.

Enjoy the Adventure
Sharon

p.s. To catch Coaches World TV sponsored by ICF-NYC tune in tonight at 8:00pm on the following channels:
    Time Warner Cable TV channel 56
    RCN channel 83
    Digital channel 111
    without cable box on channel 17
And on Verizon FiOS the line up is:
    MNN #1 – Verizon FiOS channel 33
    MNN #2 – Verizon FiOS channel 34
    MNN #3 – Verizon FiOS channel 35
    MNN #4 – Verizon FiOS channel 36

Coach World TV can also be viewed on the Internet at: www.mnn.org.

p.p.s. Time Management Secrets For the Busy Women tomorrow on Beyond Lip Service Radio at 10am pacific I interview the founder of the International Association of Women Small Business Owners, Rachel Johnsen. We are going to find out her top secrets to getting it all done.  www.BeyondLipServiceRadio.com  If you can’t listen in live, it’s will be there as a podcast or on my iTunes channel right after the broadcast. 

I’m still on the road, this week in South Florida, finishing up with my private Diamond clients, speaking for NESC of South Florida and working with members of WEL (Women Executive Leadership.) I’m off tomorrow to appear on TV in Manhattan! Tune in to Coach Chat TV at 8pm eastern. More about that below in the p.p.s..

After the TV interview, I’ll be spending the rest of the week in Manhattan and in New Haven at the Yale School of Management. I was just looking at my calendar and noticed I have a couple of one-to-one live coaching spots available on Thursday in Manhattan and a couple opportunities Friday and Saturday in New Haven.  If you would like to have a live one-to-one session with me and are in the “neighborhood” next week, drop Christine a note at Connect at SharonSayler.com and she will get you the details.

As cool as all my travels are, at times, especially after a missed connection or another “tapioca chicken” airline meal, you can start to question your WHY…. Then destiny steps in and once again passion generates more passion.

When I get passionate emails like this one after my trip to Houston last week it ups my passion ten-fold.  “My name is Fred Fulcher, you may not remember me.  However, we met briefly at Presentation Power! My friend and I were the two young African Americans who were rocketing questions at you! I wanted to send you a HUGE thank you for taking a few minutes and giving me some great advice! It has already transformed my life…!”  ~ Frederick M. Fulcher Jr., CEO http://www.marcoledesigngroup.com

So, Why Should You Care About Why?

Many people may know what you do if they were to give you a label; “Oh, John, he’s a mortgage broker,” “Yes, Jane is a life coach,” and a small number may know how you do what you do; yet it’s really knowing YOUR WHY that makes you different from all competitors. 

Clarity about your WHY brings a passion to your voice and nonverbals when you tell others what you do.  People connect with passion. When people connect at your WHY (mission/passion) level you turn prospects into clients and clients into evangelists. 

Yet, as a business executive coach, I’ve seen that sometimes the question “What are you passionate about?” can be tough to answer. Some people simply can’t answer it.

I’ve found in my coaching that when I rephrase the passion question to a series of questions based around, “What are you building?” many find it easier to answer. 

So, if you are still looking for your WHY grab a pencil and paper and start answering….

1. What are you building?
2. Why does it need to exist? 
3. What value do you bring to solve these problems? 
4. Who do you feel compelled to serve?
5. What difference do you think you (or your business) makes in your community (or world)?

Be specific and show your WHY. Sprinkle in a few emotional-invoking words.
Example: I’m on a mission to help executives construct meaningful relationships. As a behavioral communications expert and founder of Competitive Edge Communications, I support leaders in becoming confident communicators by developing an understanding of their verbal and nonverbal communications. I show them how to use words to change minds and behaviors to change outcomes.

Once you have YOUR WHY, share it in the comment section.

Enjoy the Adventure
Sharon

p.s. I’m in Salt Lake City, Utah Feb 8-12. If you would like a one-to-one coaching session in Salt Lake drop Christine a note at Connect at SharonSayler.com.

p.p.s. Coach Chat TV: This coming Monday January 30th (tomorrow) I will be the guest on Coach World TV. Sponsored by ICF-NYC. A weekly television show like no other that promotes the field of coaching!

Coach World TV is a popular prime time live cable TV show in Manhattan that airs on Monday nights at 8:00pm on the following channels:

    Time Warner Cable TV channel 56
    RCN channel 83
    Digital channel 111
    without cable box on channel 17

And on Verizon FiOS the line up is:

    MNN #1 – Verizon FiOS channel 33
    MNN #2 – Verizon FiOS channel 34
    MNN #3 – Verizon FiOS channel 35
    MNN #4 – Verizon FiOS channel 36

Coach World TV can also be viewed on the Internet at: www.mnn.org.  Tune-in we are going to have fun!!
 

Over the New Year’s weekend, I had the opportunity to spend time with several young adults. I don’t live with regrets, yet if I would have known just a tad of what I know now, what a difference it would have made. Maybe you say the same thing, looking back over failures and successes. 

I love sharing with those just starting out in the business world…. Around the dinner table was shared how just slight tweaks to our word choices can make all the difference. Consider the phrase "I want to talk to you…," versus "I want to talk with you…." Okay, some might argue both sound the same.

Ah, but they are not the same!

The first statement "talk to you" implies power while the second phrase "talk with you" is about influence. With that little nuance in mind I’d like to share with you my friend Kay White’s thoughts on New Year’s resolutions. As a communication expert and mentor as well, we both love the power of words. So, here’s Kay.

How tweaking 2 letters changes everything.

By Kay White, author of The A to Z of Being Understood.

“Mind your Language” is a great piece of advice, truly mind it.  Think about it.  Think about the effect it has on you and then on those around you as you use it.  It’s one of my passions for my clients that they really “get” how important the words and phrases are they choose and then use.   If you have a sense though that you could be more influential, more engaging and inspiring to other people, then changing and updating your ‘script’ transforms the way you connect with people.

A few years ago, I read an article by John La Valle http://www.purenlp.com/ and John is, I believe, a true word-nerd.  A real wizard with the use of language and the difference it makes.  He wrote an article about changing our New Year’s Resolutions and swapping them for New Year’s Evolutions.

Every year when someone asks me “so Kay, are you making any New Year’s Resolutions?” I take John’s advice and tell them “yes, but I make New Year’s Evolutions”.

Think about the word Resolution – looking in my trusty dictionary, it means “a firm decision to do or not to do something.  The action of solving a problem, dispute or contentious matter.”

When you pull it apart, re-solution becomes a solution, redone.  You know when you say it there’s a bit of resistance there.  Something you should be doing as opposed to something you want to do.  Something you’ve tried to do before and are trying to do again.

It’s so common to make a resolution to eat less, exercise more, spend less, save more, work less, be with family more – or sometimes the opposite!  You get the idea, though.

Now, think about the word Evolution – When you think of planning and committing to New Year’s Evolutions, there’s a different feel, a different energy about them with that word.  Again, from my trusty dictionary “Evolution – the gradual development of something.  Current senses stem from a notion of “opening out” and “unfolding” giving a rise to a general sense of development”.

Now with the word Evolution (remember, we only tweaked 2 letters) there’s a more forward motion to it, more of a sense of “Ok, for where I am now and for how I’ve developed now and what I want in my life now, this is what I want for 2012”.

Try putting down 5 New Year’s Evolutions for yourself and before you do, take a moment with these 5 steps to think about how you are “opening out”, “unfolding” and “developing”.

• Think about how your life was 2 years ago – at the beginning of 2010 – then think about what’s going on now and how things have evolved for you.
• What are the major changes that have happened? (pssst – there will be some major changes, I promise you.  It’s one of the few things we can guarantee in life, that things change.  We choose how we respond to those changes.)
• Next, consider what’s happening in each of these areas of your life – home / work / relationships /career / finances and ask yourself “what do I want to have more of AND less of in these areas now?”
• Here’s where your “New Year’s Evolutions” start to form.  From where you are now, for the person you are now, for what you’re doing now.
• Put down the following words and then finish the sentence at least 5 times “For what I want now, in 2012 I will….”.

So, with two letters tweaked your Resolutions have become your 2012 Evolutions.

Interestingly, popping an R in front of them will change them even more dramatically- but that’s a whole other story, isn’t it?
 

Kay White, Savvy & Influential Communication Expert and Mentor at www.wayforwardsolutions.com. Kay shows experienced – and often frustrated – business women how to be heard and understood by accessorising their day-to-day interactions with subtle, influential phrases and words to make people sit up, listen and take action. Kay’s book, The A to Z of Being Understood is an international #1 Bestseller: http://amzn.to/kTJYdX and helps professionals connect and engage with people more easily so they make their voice heard and get their point across with confidence, style and clout.

A couple days ago guest blogger Gary Ryan Blair shared 15 ideas to save you time, energy and money in “What is this two-letter word costing you?”.

But, how do you say no? In business, saying no is often about respecting and valuing your most precious commodity, your time.

How To Say “No”

When you must say no, be direct. Saying no is not a time to beat around the bush. Although no often sounds more polite with a short pre and/or post-amble, “I’m sorry, I can’t,” just begs for a reply of “But why?”

A short explanation proactively stops the inevitable “Why?”  

Pre and post-amble examples:

• “What an interesting project, thank you for asking however I can’t commit at this time because…”
• I know how important this project is to you.  I just can’t fit it in. It wouldn’t be fair to you to not give it my full attention. I have to (complete, accomplish, finish)….

Replies such as the two above work well when business associates are asking for a favor or partnership, etc.  It is a way to acknowledge their ideas or efforts without accepting the offer or responsibility. They are very affirmative when written in first person.

If you are worried that the “no” might cause an angry reaction, speak in the third person. An interesting little quirk of communication is that by speaking in the third person you depersonalize your statement and make your calendar the “bad guy” and not you. Examine the different response you have as you read the following example:

• “Unfortunately, the calendar just doesn’t allow time to take on this event.”

The above comment stands on its own, however you can always add a softener with a “because…” or “perhaps in 2 months….”

• “Unfortunately, the calendar just doesn’t allow time to take on this event.  There are too many other obligations at this time perhaps .”

If the person is pushy, you can always stall with “Let me check, I’ll get back to you,” or I’ll have to review my current obligations, I’ll tell you tomorrow.” It’s considerate to put a timeframe on your stall. Be sure to honor your commitment and respond either positive or negative.

Situations vary; consider combining, mix and matching, adding, and subtracting parts until it feels just right for your situation. Learning to say no will make your relationships run smoother. Being nice at the expense of yourself helps no one. With these few simple suggestions the reaction isn’t as bad as what we imagine.

Wow, can you believe it?

I know it’s hard for me to believe that the Holidays are here and 2011 is almost over!

A HUGE THANK YOU to everyone for making 2011 one amazing ride – What Your Body Says (and how to master the message) hit the bookstores a little over one year ago.  The book has been published in 5 languages since it’s release and it is now being used as suggested reading in Universities around the world.

I can hardly believe it but I was even recently voted one of the 50 Authors You Should Be Reading in 2011. I’ve traveled around the world lecturing; coaching and consulting for those that want to fast-track their business for success by learning to communicate to get the results they want and make the kind of money they know they deserve.

If you are not getting the results you want consider…
Is your body language is sending unconscious self-sabotaging messages?

But back to why I wanted to offer a Holiday Special:

When I wrote What Your Body Says (and how to master the message) I wanted to make a difference in people’s lives in a positive way. I knew from my own experience tiny little changes to body language will change your world.

I’ve herd from many of you how it has helped you develop new, deeper relationships and be understood the first time….

Now, I know, it’s making a REAL difference in people’s lives – it’s just really cool! So as a thank you for everyone here’s what I’ve dreamed up, go to this special link,

http://sharonsayler.com/2011-holiday/

and invest in one book at the Holiday Special Price of $10 + S&H and receive another copy FREE*.

I know it sounds NUTS giving away my book, and maybe it is… I can only do it for a limited time – if you want to get it in time for the Holidays – so hurry, pop over to

http://sharonsayler.com/2011-holiday/

and grab them right now.

Just imagine a FR*EE* copy to give to someone or some place, a school, maybe even library that could really use it.

I’m happy to personalize both copies too if you like at no additional charge to make it a truly special gift!

To personalize buy the books then forward me the email with the receipt and tell me specifically how you want them personalized.

Have a great day whatever your adventures

To Success! To Life!
Enjoy the Adventure
Sharon
Author of What Your Body Says (and how to master the message)

*(Just cover S&H [$4.95] on the second copy.)

A quick — but very important — reminder that my FREE teleclass "Why Your Body Language is Keeping You Broke!" is happening tomorrow – Thursday December 15th, 2011 at 1pm PST / 4pm EST.
 

If you’ve always wanted to reach a lot more people with your services and product offerings, then you need to be on this call.

If you’ve always wanted to build trust and rapport quickly with people so that they buy your services and products, then you need to be on this call.

or maybe it’s the biggie Is fear holding you back from speaking in public or networking? 

======================

Join us for a one-time complimentary teleclass:

TOPIC: "Why Your Body Language is Keeping You Broke!"

DATE: Today, Thursday, December 15th

TIME: 1 pm Pacific / 4 pm Eastern

Register here now: http://sharonsayler.com/bz6

======================

On this call, I’m going share with you my best secrets when it comes to consistently getting people to know, like and trust you so that your services and products can be of service to them. You are going to learn:

1) The #1 action you need to take first to build trust with prospects.

2) How to create irresistible charm and rapport that is filled with value for your clients to lead to sales right there.

3) A super EASY way to network and build rapport so you can stop working 10 times harder than you have to, to make those important connections.

4) I’ll even give you a powerful mindset shift that will eliminate fear and self-doubt – so you can confidently step out and give successful talks that sell even if you resist talking to people, this will make it surprisingly easy for you to get started.

And of course, as I always promise  A.Whole.Lot.More!

No one else is teaching this stuff, this isn’t a rehash of Toastmasters, or any other how to speak in public events or worn out and old marketing fluff. This is real and it works.

See you there!
Enjoy the adventure
Sharon

I recently read an article by author and life coach Ann Thomas. I enjoyed her thoughtful approach and questions. Ann graciously said I could share with all of you. Enjoy.

Is Your Relationship Growing or Going in Circles?

Do you remember watching fairy tales and seeing the words, "And they lived happily ever after" written at the end of the movie? When I was a little girl, I used to think that it meant that Cinderella, the Little Mermaid, and Snow White never had a fight with their beloved. I thought that they stayed in eternal bliss.

In contrast to these fairy tales, the couples on TV or in the movies who argued ended up divorced, drunk, or unfaithful. They seemed miserable. These experiences made me think that a good relationship meant eternal bliss and that if my partner and I argued, we were doomed. Having such a rigid and unrealistic expectation, set me up to fail in many of my earlier relationships. Then I realized that arguments and dissatisfaction at times is a normal part of every relationship. The key is being able to discern whether the arguments are helping your relationship grow or whether they keep you going in circles.

Arguments are a normal part of any relationship. They are also more likely to occur as one or both of you evolve. Here’s a few reasons why people in relationship argue:

•Arguments can be a dysfunctional habit you picked up from your family of origin (note, you may unconsciously engage in the behavior even when you’re actively trying to change it).

•If you fear intimacy (e.g., because you didn’t feel loved as a child or you were badly hurt by an ex), arguments can arise as a way to create distance.

•Arguments may occur when one or both of you "changes" (even if that change is for the better) because the primal fear of the unknown may be triggered.

• Arguments can arise as a way to try to obtain unmet needs.

Write down the answers to the following questions to help determine whether the arguments in your relationship are productive:

1. Are we arguing about the same things over and over again? If yes, what has improved?

2. Do our arguments remind me of something from my past? (e.g., does the subject matter, energy, or dynamic between the couple feel familiar)

3. Do I spend more time dealing with challenges in the relationship than being in a place of peace?

4. Does our arguments help me avoid an activity or a feeling that I don’t want to experience?

5. Does our arguments help me feel something that I am longing to feel (e.g., feeling in control, passion, loved, etc.)?

6. What is my part in keeping the cycle of arguments alive?

7. How am I growing and evolving from this relationship? (What am I learning about myself, the other person, or about relationships?)

Evaluate your answers. As you read through your responses, what does your intuition or gut feeling tell you about the nature of these arguments?

•Are they productive (even if only incrementally)?

•Where is there room for improvement?

The mates we choose often trigger and test our limits, offering us the perfect platform to evolve. Nevertheless, arguments in relationships should be productive, yielding to a more satisfying and intimate relationship for both of you. If you feel like your arguments go in circles and that you are not being heard, or receiving the support that you want, it’s time to get some help. Consider working with a therapist or coach that works with couples. A neutral third party who can help everyone understand the situation better, serve as a translator and offer effective communication tools. But don’t forget, the first step to any healthy relationship is to start with a strong and healthy you!

Ann also recently appeared on my Beyond Lip Service Radio.

We had a delightful conversation on: Master your mind through Radical Self-Love

During my interview with Ann we will find out how radical self-love is the key to unshakable happiness and success.

1.    How to connect to the divine essence within you.
2.    The importance of honoring your body.
3.    Why you need to be emotionally authentic to be truly happy.
4.    How to master your mind to reduce your negative thoughts and create more positive ones.

Listen in here:

More about Ann:

Ann Thomas, Esq., CPCC, ACC, is an author, certified life coach, and founder of Evolving Goddess. Ann specializes in helping high-achieving women who, despite their apparent success, feel unfulfilled and are self-critical. As the author of 101 Affirmations for Radical Self-Love (available at Amazon.com) and creator of the Radical Self-Love System™, Ann gives participants the short-cut to sustainable happiness. This system guides women through the process of taking 100% personal responsibility for their lives, actions, and emotions, which becomes the catalyst for lifelong happiness – from the inside out. Learn more about Ann and her upcoming events at www.EvolvingGoddess.com

• Does leading your team make you think that herding jello would be easier?
• Maybe you knew you wanted to be a transformational leader but now the only thing being transformed is your blood pressure.
• Worse yet, maybe you aren’t "really the leader" so what can you do other than sit there and sizzle….

I know, I hear you, I’ve been there too. Over the years I’ve both been on teams, lead teams and facilitated many a meeting and the one thing I can count on coming up time and again is personality conflicts. These conflicts are not outright fist-to-cuffs, yet personality conflicts produce a simmering and stewing underneath the surface.  They start small, often between just two members, then slowly infects the entire team.  If left untreated it can lead the entire team to become so dysfunctional that all progress grinds to a halt.

Sure we can say, "Let’s all be ‘adult’ about this," but what does that really mean?  In my work, I’ve called those people who can see all sides and bring divergent personalities together a liaison. While  some people are innate liaisons I know liaison skills can be learned. 

While modeling for others and coaching team members to develop liaison skills, I’m always looking for ways to further the participant’s understanding of the exact skills and behaviors a person needs to be a liaison. Now, I’ve found it, thanks to Les McKeown’s new book The Synergist.

Often the greatest variable in success are the people involved in the process. In The Synergist, Les builds upon the groundbreaking work of his last book Predictable Success and goes into detail about how any individual can lead a group to success with or without the formal title. 

The Synergist breaks down the three main personality styles we often have to work with, how they work (or don’t work) together and how we can become (and help others become) that person that provides the synergy to propel our team forward, transcend our baseline behaviors and quickly, precisely and powerfully become a leader of leaders whether you have the corner office or not.

If you work with others and want to quickly become the go-to person, I highly recommend you buy The Synergist.

Enjoy the adventure
Sharon

Note: I meet Les in 2010 when we were both speaking at Book Breakthrough NYC. That photo to the left is Les and I together at that event. I wanted you to know while I did get an advance copy of The Synergist, I have no connection, financial or otherwise (other than I like the guy and his work) with Les or his books. I just like to share knowledge that I find relevant, helpful and easy to implement. I like Les’ books a lot and highly recommend them – pre-order The Synergist today.

Good day!  And a Terrific Tuesday to you!

Well, here we are again just a couple of days away from Thanksgiving.  Thank you for being part of my world.

Have you ever noticed that this time of year can bring out the best and the worst in us? Often our time to be grateful feels more like our nerves are grating….

Here are 3 of my favorite family survival tips – please share your tips in the comment section below! 

Survival tip #1:  Be Proactive.

We all know that the proverbially Uncle Joe or Cousin Sue are going to do what they always do. So, why are you surprised each year when it happens again? Prepare ahead of time how you will react. 

Just because you are asked a question, doesn’t mean you have to answer it.  Breathe deep. Smile and move on. You don’t have to defend anything. 

If smile and move on feels a bit too firm right now, enlist a family member to distract you when they see Uncle Joe or Cousin Sue start to close in for the "kill." Consider giving your ally a safety phrase such as “Marge, can you help pour the water?”

Speaking of water, drinking a glass of cool water or washing your hands in cool water, quickly cools off those negative responses, thoughts and feelings.

Survival tip #2: Know your NO. 

Life coach and friend Indrani from www.indranislight.org has a wonderful saying; “If you don’t know your No you will never know your Yes.”

Have courage and maintain boundaries.  Boundaries are about respecting yourself and others. When we set a boundary, we allow the relationship to stay in a good place. If others encroach on our boundaries or we have not set any, we often feel taken advantage of, which in turn, results in resentments. 

Respect others boundaries as well. If you don’t know what to say, be sure and avoid sensitive topics. Instead of “Have you found a job yet?” Ask “Catch me up on what’s happening?” If we speak only with positive intention, it helps keep the whole mood positive. Emotions are contagious — positive and negative.

(Indrani joined me on Beyond Lip Service Radio today listen into my interview on the topic of Getting from "I’m not enough." Indrani shares great tips on boundaries and other ways to move past negative talk.)

Survival tip #3: Use the GoBoD rule.

Two of the "favorite expectations" I hear in my coaching practice are "They should have known" and "It has to be perfect." 

When I hear "they should have known" my immediate response is "Why should they have known?" I have a friend who until recently didn’t know the difference between fudge and brownies, maybe you don’t either… it doesn’t matter. Yet, being a long time brownie fan and not so much fudge fan, I was surprised! In my world, they should have known – right? Why should they have known? It wasn’t part of the culture they grew up in. With fudge and brownies, it doesn’t matter what I expected or preferred as it makes no difference, yet sometimes it does make a difference.

We often expect others to be just like us or mind readers.  I have met some people like me, but none just like me and I’ve never met a honest-to-goodness mind-reader so the odds are not too good "they should have known" and did something to upset me on purpose .

This is where I call in the oldé GoBoD rule: Give others the Benefit of Doubt. Giving someone the Benefit of Doubt saves a lot of shoulding all over yourself and if the person continues after they know, reconsider if you want them in your life anyway.

As to the other common expectation, "It has to be perfect," or some variation thereof, let’s get real, perfect doesn’t exist.  When "it wasn’t perfect" or "it has to be perfect" is your war cry, step back and know that your “good enough” is most likely everybody else’s perfect.

Perfect is about control. We all know we can’t control what happens, the control we have is in how we chose to respond to what happened. Disappointment happens when our expectations of the “fairy-tale” and the event don’t match up.  Learn to make your expectations preferences and life will be much smoother. Things go much easier when we “prefer” something goes a particular way versus we “expect” something a particular way.

I have a sign on my porch that says, “Martha doesn’t live here and that’s a good thing.” It always brings a smile to those in the know…. 

Have a wonder-filled rest of your week whatever your adventures
To Success! To life!
Sharon

p.s. Wishing you a Happy Thanksgiving here in the States. And all of you, here and around the world, joy and abundance always. I am especially thankful and abundant this year as my coaching business has  grown and prospered.   I am honored you are part of my community and I am able to share and work with so many of you to reach your goals, bring your passions out and create the life our your dreams — that is what makes this the best job!

I’m taking the rest of this week off to spend Thanksgiving with my family and will be back in touch next week.

Have you considered we all understand a different language, even when we speak the "same" language…?

Below I share some highlights of Janet Allison’s (http://www.boysaliveevent.com/) conversation with Bev Martin, communications expert (http://www.bevmartin.com) on the Boys Alive! On-line Event: Discover HIS World.

Thanks Janet and Bev for sharing part of your interview here:

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When you’re in a foreign country, your experience is richer if you understand and speak the language. We constantly convey messages TO our children—messages of what-to-do, of safety and well-being, of morality and self-esteem.

Yet, are we speaking THEIR language so they can understand us?  When you know HIS language – and speak it – he will be able to hear you better!

What "country" does he live in? You know the old saying, "When in Rome, do as the Romans do."  When talking to your boy (or your man, friend, colleague, etc…) DO WHAT THEY DO…they are giving you their map, if you listen!

Visual: When you ask him a question, does he look up to the ceiling to see the answer?

Visuals are often great spellers because they SEE the words. Visuals prefer less words – you might see an eye roll if you’ve talked too long.   Visuals want to see what you’re saying – he might show you a youtube clip or draw you a picture.

Speak his visual language:  use less words, use hand signals, post routines or rules in pictures or few words.

Auditory: Does he recite conversations back to you verbatim?

"He said…, then she said…., then I said…"  Speak his language by backtracking, using HIS words. When you use your boy’s own words back to him, it lands on his ear as if to say: "Oh, you heard me."

Speak his language: He is most at ease communicating with you ear-to-ear, rather than eye-to-eye, that means side-by-side and preferably with busy hands.

Kinesthetic: Do his eyes go down when you ask him a question?

He searches his feelings to find the answer.  This may take a long time:  he has to go into his feelings, dig deep, and then turn his feelings into words in order to reply.  He gets stressed when expected to reply quickly (like in school).

Speak his language: give him time to answer, show your presence through touch. This is the boy who might just really like a great big hug rather than a big conversation.

It’s up to us to speak the language of our "child’s country."  They often have to adapt their own styles, especially at school. So, at home, if they can be understood (in their language), you are building a rock-solid relationship, you are speaking their language, so that they can then understand your messages of love, care, and safety.

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If you’ve found this information inspiring and helpful…there is still time to tune in to the Boys Alive! On-line Event: Discover HIS World.  Three weeks of experts giving you the MAP to help you understand your boy!

Week 2 begins Monday, October 17:  Reframe your View of Boys!
You’ll hear experts speak about:

•     The Four Temperaments
•     How the Stories you tell influence his self-image
•     Connecting with him deeply via Energy Medicine
•     Instilling a Sense of Purpose (which he desperately needs!)
•     Staying Connected with him during adolescence and beyond

And the best part?  It’s free!  All interviews air at 1 pm pacific and stay on-line for a full 24-hours.  So even if you’re busy, you can hear the replay.  PLUS as soon as you subscribe, you’ll be taken to the Treasure Chest – filled with parenting gold from our speakers!

Learn more about it at http://www.sharonsayler.com/BoysAlive