Posts in Communications
Family-Owned Business Interview
Booked Solid Radio via Blog Talk Radio Original Air Date: 6/5/2009 11:00 AM Booked Solid Friday with Davender Gupta & Sharon Sayler: Booked Solid For The Family-Owned Business "Family-Owned Business" – What does it mean and how do the principles of "Book Yourself Solid" apply to them? This week, Certified Book Yourself Solid Coach Davender Gupta welcomes Certified Coach Sharon Sayler to discuss this topic.
What are you assuming…Presuppositions
by guest author Gary Phillips
A good friend, Gary Phillips, recently posted the following article on his blog. I found it so interesting I contacted Gary to share it with all our readers… Gary is a Safety Professional, the article is directed to his clients, I’m sure you will see that his knowledge expands far beyond safety in the workplace.
One critical linguistic structure, related to the concept that the brain is literal and people’s attention will go where directed, is the phenomenon of presuppositions. These are utterances, or phrases, that carry with them something that is already presupposed by that phrase. If the receiver does not challenge the utterance immediately, it generally means that, at the unconscious level, they have “bought into” the presupposition.
Here is 1 example of a presupposition.
“Can I help you?” – When someone walks into your office and you say, “How can I help you?” it presupposes you’re the helper and you’re in charge of the helping process. Then, who is helpless? The other person is.
As soon as they, in response, utter a single syllable, without challenging the presupposition, they’ve unconsciously “bought into” this relationship of dependency. This only reinforces traditional approaches that the leader is responsible for safety behavior, not the worker. “How can I help you?” creates dependant people. Avoid creating dependant people.
Avoid asking, “How can I help you?” A better, neutral question is “What’s up”, no presupposition implied. Dealing with this presupposition has broad applicability, well beyond safety applications. The Art of Safety also expands on why verbally presented information further creates dependency, while visual information empowers.
Even the most practiced leaders and professionals are often unaware of how they come across both verbally and non-verbally, and how they create the reality of the workplace by shaping how it’s experienced.
Small improvements in communication techniques pay big dividends in maintaining positive relationships and error-free performance.
© 2008 Gary Phillips – Gary is a Safety Professional, consultant and trainer with decades of experience applying advanced communication skills to the fields of Occupational Safety and Leadership Development. From his home in the cottage country of Northern Ontario he offers services worldwide through NW Training and Development and is a widely sought after speaker and trainer. Gary Phillips is available for conference and workshop presentations. Visit www.artofsafety.net or call (888) 622-9653.
Have a great day in whatever your adventure,
To Success! To Life!
Sharon
The Power of Conversation
This week’s note is a little longer than usual (I try to keep it under 400 words.) I hope you agree that today’s is worth the extra 234 words. First, I could really use your help. I am doing research, what is the one area in your business that you would most like to have an easy to use process or practice that would make your business easier? Please drop me a note! Thanks
Hi Sharon,I’d like to add that we as listeners have also a huge power over words. I find this often underestimated and undervalued. Usually people tend to think that the meaning is added to the words by the person who utters them.
But is that really true? I believe people do add meaning to the words we utter, but that that meaning isn’t true until it is properly received. A word spoken is a word half meant. Every word we receive is an invitation and a chance to complete its meaning.
It’s not the words that have the power to produce an outcome, it’s always the people who receive them and who decide to act upon what they perceive who have the power to define the outcome of every conversation.
What would happen to the world if we’d approach language like that?
- Truths would be something which only exist in agreement, between two people.
- Convincing and persuading people would be regarded as absurd since it would only mean that we would try to convey something which cannot be conveyed. You cannot completely transfer yourself to another person through words, let alone that this other person can completely receive you through those same words.
- People would be respected as authorities of their own self. Nobody knows you better than you do. Period.
- Statements would be questions.
- Demands would turn into invitations.
- …
Thank you for your thoughts.
Hannes Couvreur
Belgium
We’ve had some great exchanges since he shared the above. He recently added this blog post.
Don’t underestimate the power of listening
As listeners we have a huge power over words.
I often find this underestimated and undervalued.
Usually people tend to think that meaning is simply added to words by the person who utters them.
But is that really true?
I believe people do add meaning to the words we utter, but that that meaning isn’t true until it is properly received.
A word spoken is only a word half meant. Every word we receive is an invitation and a chance to complete its meaning.
Also, it’s not the words that have the power to produce an outcome, it’s always the people who receive them and who deceide to act upon what they perceive who have the power to define the outcome of every conversation.
What would happen to the world if we’d approach language like that?
* Listening would be regarded as an active act, not as something passive
* Listening empowers you, you’re not just a sitting duck waiting to get shot
* Listening is something you are responsible for when engaging in a conversation, since half of the meaning of the words uttered by other people comes from you
* Truths would be something which only exist in agreement, between two people.
* Convincing and persuading people would be regarded as absurd since it would only mean that we would try to convey something which cannot be conveyed. You cannot completely transfer yourself to another person through words, let alone that this other person can completely receive you through those same words.
* People would be respected as authorities of their own self. Nobody knows you better than you do. Period.
* Statements would be questions.
* Demands would turn into invitations.
* …
Thank you Sharon Sayler to inspire me to write this post.Hannes
Thank you, Hannes, my new friend from far away. The power of a blog amazes me, everything I learn from these conversations enhance my life.
Have a great day in whatever your adventure.
To Success! To Life!
Sharon
8 ways to encourage comments
I just posted on our web-marketing site www.ImpressionEngineers.com 8 great ways to encourage comments on your blog… and would love to make the list longer. Please share ways you encourage comments.
We recently set up a new blog for a client. She just emailed me with a good question that I thought others might like to know my thoughts on the question…
Q: Hi Sharon, How does one encourage and get people to comment on a blog? Thanks.
A: Good question, I’m sure there are many ways, here are the ways I know, first others need to know you are posting, it takes awhile when blogs are new to get recognized.
- Tweet, post on facebook etc a short phrase and a "tinyurl" link to it.
- Send the post or a summary of the post out via email to my list and invite comments
View the entire post and comment at: http://www.impressionengineers.com/tips/encourage_comments/
Say What?
I was asked recently, "If I could choose ONE learning from my years of pursuing my passion of conscious and quality communication skills, what would it be?"
WOW, what a question, hundreds of ideas whirled around my head. As with all passions, I hope to continue to add to my insights and skills for years to come, yet at this moment the answer came last night in a conversation… go figure…
The words we choose to use DO have meaning. Words (and the beliefs and thoughts behind the words) have power. Words have the power to produce an outcome.
Last night, I was speaking with a therapist discussing a therapy process.
Therapist: "I do that to them all the time." I had a moment where I stopped breathing. I was shocked.
I replied: "Do you really ‘do that to them?’"
Therapist: "Of course, what do you mean?"
My reply: ‘"I do that to them all the time’ implies you are doing something to them, as in imposing something on them." (Now, this was someone I had permission to be direct with…I may have rephrased my reply if the permission level had been less.)
The therapist’s initial words create a place of power not influence. It is a direct statement of this person’s beliefs that they have the power to change someone. The following phrases state the same fact about the therapy process:
– "We work with that therapy (or process")
– "I help them through the issue with (name of therapy)"
or even
– "I do that WITH them" (Note, it is not done "to them.")
All statements of influence not power.
Please, do not usurp someone’s power with your words. Do "things" with someone, not to someone. Honoring a person’s need to feel in control of their lives is vitally important to providing the support they need to solve their problems. The old proverb of "Teach someone to fish instead of giving them a fish…" still holds true.
Have a great day in whatever your adventure.
To Success! To Life!
Sharon
p.s. Sometime, just for fun, try to identify each time someone says something that is from the position of power or from the position of influence.
Finding things, including miracles, when you need them
A moment of back-story, I was really tired after my trip to Doylestown and helping Michael Port launch “The Think Big Manifesto.” I’m not sure why as I like to think I work hard every day but for some reason after this trip I was burned out. Now don’t get me wrong, throughout that week, I learned and experienced so much, it is priceless. And I just love Michael, Julie, and the whole rest of the wonderful crew yet, to be honest, I was burned-out. There was no candle left to burn either end.
So, back to finding what you need when you need it…
There is an auto mechanic down the street from me. He has this funky sign he changes whenever the mood strikes him. A few days back here and well into my pity-party, my eye caught—
"I Create My Reality and I am Creating this Emotion Right Now"
His signs are usually not so deep, yet that sign snapped me back into the reality I wanted, not the one I was creating. The reality for me, at that time, was a place of exhaustion, wanting to be left alone and a feeling of not having any more to give anyone…. Those feelings should have been my first clue that what I needed at that time was to take care of myself, recharge myself.
Not like that was the first time I’ve ever been to that state of exhaustion, why do some lessons take so many repeats to sink-in? Gotta learn to listen to the signals my body is giving me earlier.
Life Lesson to me to remember: When the physical and emotional bank accounts are drained, it’s beyond the time to re-fill them. Fill-up early and often… Whenever I’m feeling tired, not myself, short tempered, out-of-balance… it’s time for a little R and R—Refill and Recharge. So, what are you going to do for yourself this weekend?
Take some time for yourself so you can share your dreams and passion with the world. The world needs them.
Have a great day whatever your adventure
To Life! To Success!
Sharon
p.s. Today it reads : “I’d rather age than stop.”
Some chips fly, some
Well, it finally happened. As many of you know, I challenge myself to do something I have never done before for my birthday. My birthday came and went a month ago…. Sunday, my sister, Linda and her husband, Lowell decided for me… they "kidnapped" me and off we went on an adventure.
Lowell is an amateur competitor in sporting clay and skeet events, so what better thing to learn then the fine art of sporting clay, skeet and trap. A couple of times, I even hit two in a row. Woo Hoo! Yet, for every good shot, a bunch went "splat," sometimes business opportunities are like that too.
My #1 learning was: Make sure you understand what’s coming in and what’s going out. The cross-pollination of life experiences were a buzz in my brain — to be successful at sport shooting (business or anything, really) it takes:
–Practice. Learn to anticipate and recognize changes. Don’t over think it. Practice creates perseverance.
–Patience. Aim just ahead of the target by the time you pull the trigger the target will be there. Patience creates resilience.
–Passion. For goodness sake, enjoy yourself. It’s all just a game. Passion creates perspective.
A friend once mentioned to me that it takes at least three years to get good at something if you practice, learning sporting clay reminded me it takes patience and passion too.
I want to give a shout-out to Stephen (a frequent contributor of ideas for this newsletter.) He is one of the guys that runs the place (www.salemclays.com.) Thanks Stephen, Linda and Lowell for the great day, it was a lot of fun.
Oh, one last thing, I was in Philadelphia a few days ago for the launch of Michael Port’s Think Big Manifesto. Next week it will debut #9 on The New York Times bestseller list. I’ll share some of the that adventure later.
Have a great day in whatever your adventure.
To Success!To Life!
Sharon
Tell me more…
“…If thought corrupts language, language can also corrupt thought…”
~George Orwell
At times, things just come out of my mouth… and it’s not until it falls out of my mouth that I’m aware it has an assumption (or two.) Last week, I was trying to express myself to my friend Sparks; it just wasn’t as clear as it could have been. In response, instead of frustration, pushing or prodding I hear 3 wonderful words… “Tell me more.”
Respectful Inquiry
It is amazing how things just seem to align… last Tuesday on our Blog Talk Radio show Beyond Lip Service (www.blogtalkradio.com/beyondlipservice), I had the pleasure of interviewing Marian Way (www.apricotisland.com/). Her specialty is Clean Language*, a process for helping others explores their own metaphors, and gain insights into their thinking and behaviors. As the name implies, it is ‘clean / neutral.’ It is also very flexible.
Clean Language started as a therapeutic tool, but can be used with everyday events, including:
- Interviewing
- Modeling different skills and perceptions
- Coaching and feedback
- Meetings and job appraisals
- Team building and decision-making
- Self-discovery and exploration
Clean Language strives to put our assumptions aside to let the other person be heard and understood. That’s when the beauty of “tell me more,” became apparent. Now, “tell me more” is not Clean Language, but it serves a similar purpose…
Consider a statement as simple as “What are you thinking?” Seems tame enough, yet it assumes that they are thinking something. So it could be changed to, “Are you thinking anything?” Yet, that still assumes they are thinking. Changing the statement to be ‘clean / neutral’ “Is there anything else about that?” could include thinking or feeling or listening or hearing…
Some Clean Language phrases that can be slipped into a conversation are:
- “What kind of … is that?”
- “Is there anything else about that?”
- “What would you like?”
The key to using Clean Language and thoughtful communication is not trying to make anything happen. I find again and again, that others have their own answers, and creating an assumption and belief-free zone for someone to discover their own insights is respectful and more effective than any remedy I may come up with.
To learn more about Clean Language and Marian Way, visit www.apricotisland.com
“The human soul doesn’t want to be fixed, it simply wants to be seen and heard. The soul is like a wild animal – tough, resilient and shy. When we go crashing through the woods shouting for it to come out so we can help it, the soul will stay in hiding. But if we are willing to sit quietly and wait for a while, the soul may show itself. ~ “The Courage to Teach” ~ Parker J. Palmer”
Have a great day in whatever your adventure.
To Success!To Life!
Sharon
*Clean Language was developed by psychotherapist, David Grove, as a way to keep his assumptions at bay, so he could work directly with his clients’ perceptions.
A personal metaphor….
Our guest is Marian Way this Tuesday April 7th. Marian is from England, where she started out teaching math and later worked for 20 years in the Weight Watchers, where she and a colleague developed the POINTS diet. Now she runs her own training, coaching and facilitation business. Her specialty is Clean Language, a process for helping people to explore their own metaphors to gain new insights into their thinking and behavior patterns, which can lead to profound change.
What is Clean Language?
"My life has ground to a halt."
If someone you know said this to you, what would your response be?
Some people would show concern or empathy, some would listen, some may ask questions and find out more, and some would give some well-meaning advice. Many of us would respond with a mixture of concern, listening, questions and/or advice. Of course, your actual response would depend on the relationship you had with the person in question and on the context you were in.
What most people wouldn’t do is notice, or draw the person’s attention to, the metaphorical nature of this remark. And yet there’s likely to be a vast amount of information – and the potential for resolution or getting going again – contained within that metaphor.
Enter David Grove…
During the 1980’s, when US-based psychotherapist David Grove was developing ways to resolve his clients’ traumatic memories, he noticed that many of them described their symptoms in metaphor, and he discovered that by asking about these using the client’s exact words encouraged new insights and possibilities for change. Their perceptions of the trauma began to change. He experimented with different questions and found that questions which ‘interfered’ with the client’s experience the least were in fact the most effective in bringing about change. Clean Language was created as a means of questioning clients’ metaphors in a way that neither contaminated nor distorted them.
Penny Tompkins & James Lawley
In the early 90’s David Grove was the subject of an extensive modelling project by UK-based psychotherapists Penny Tompkins and James Lawley, who studied the specific patterns of David’s interactions with clients and incorporated them into a generalised model, which they called Symbolic Modelling. Their work has enabled David’s discoveries and techniques to be applicable across a wide range of clinical, education and business contexts.
What Modeling Is
In general terms, modeling is the process of gathering information about the activity of a system with the aim of constructing a generalized description (a model) of how that system works. The purpose of modeling is to identify ‘what is’ and how ‘what is’ works – without influencing what is being modeling, although the modeling process itself inevitably influences the person being modelling.
What a Clean Language Facilitator does
A Clean Language facilitator assists a client to model their own patterns of thinking and behavior – i.e. to self-model. they do this by:
- acknowledging the client’s experience exactly as they describe it
- orientating the client’s attention to a specific aspect of their perception
- sending the client on a quest for self-knowledge
The resultant model can then be used by the client to inform future decisions and actions. This can happen both consciously and unconsciously.
There are Four Components of Clean language…
They are:
- Syntax
Clean Language uses only the client’s words and a specific set of Clean Questions (below). - Vocal Qualities
When using the client’s words, the facilitator matches the way the client speaks their words. When using the Clean questions, the facilitator uses a slow delivery and rhythmic tonality, with an air of curiosity. - Nonverbals
The facilitator draws attention to the client’s nonverbal gestures by replicating them from the client’s perspective within the syntax. - Clean Questions
There are approximately 30 Clean Language questions altogether, although some are used much more frequently than others. These include:
- And is there anything else about … ?
- And what kind of … is … ?
- And that’s … like what?
- And where is … ?
- And then what happens?
- And what happens just before … ?
- And how do you know when … ?
- And what would you like to have happen?
- And is there a relationship between … and … ?
- And what needs to happen for … to … ?
- NB the … represents the client’s words
What Does ‘Clean’ REALLY Mean?
The ‘Clean of Clean Language is a metaphor. It reprsents the intention of the facilitator to keep their assumptions to a minimum. Facilitators achieve this by:
- ensuring everything they say and do is related to what the client has said or done… so they questions are not asked in any specific order, but each question is chosen after the client has finished speaking
- using and honoring the client’s words rather than paraphrasing them
- only using questions that are justified by the logic of the client’s information
- making only minimal assumptions about what the client means – and being ready to change those assumptions as more information is revealed
- not introducing any metaphors of their own – the only metaphors that Clean Language utilises are the universal metaphors of time, space and form
What are the Benefits of ‘Clean’?
For facilitators, one of the major benefits of this approach is the knowledge that the insights, solutions and transformations that occur during, an after,a session come from within the client’s own system – and are therefore likely to be a good fit and be long lasting. Clean Language ‘gets to the parts that other methods cannot reach’. Other important benefits of working in this way include:
- a deep appreciation of and respect for the uniqueness of every individual
- a better memory
- enhanced listening skills
Clients new to Clean Language often remark that this is the first time they have felt really understood by anyone. having their words, their metaphors and their own logic listened to, honoured and respected by another human being can have a profound effect on a person. The more they recognise that this honouring is taking place, the easier they find it to ‘open up’. they too, benefit from the knowledge that any decisions and actions taken as a result of this work belong to them.
©2008 Marian Way http://www.apricotisland.com/
Marian is in Portland this May with an extended program, which covers Clean Language and two related processes: Symbolic Modeling and Clean Space. Learn more about Clean Language and Marian at http://www.apricotisland.com/
