Three Tips to Maintain Your Cool During Conflict

There seems to be more stress, pressure and conflict in the workplace then ever before. As budgets tighten, layoffs happen, and higher productivity is expected, tempers inevitably flare. Show your leadership skills by mastering these tips to maintaining a calm presence in the face of conflict and crisis.

Breathe

Keep breathing.  When someone behaves in an unexpected way, it is normal for us to stop breathing momentarily. Breathing low and slowly brings more oxygen to your brain, allowing you to think clearly.  It also slows down your central nervous system response, allowing you to maintain control of yourself and the situation. Think about the best outcome. Choose a win-win resolution.

Be strategic in what you say

During a possible conflict situation, use less first-person pronouns and more third-person pronouns. It can transform a situation. For example, “The report has errors…” instead of “Your report has errors….” Possessive words such as I, my, you and your can lead to defensiveness. 

Know the meaning of your nonverbals

As you discuss the situation, be selective in the amount of direct eye contact.  Too much direct eye contact can enflame the conflict, especially between two males. The rate at which you blink is also a form of giving or removing eye contact. We tend to blink more when we are under stress, so learn to control your blink rate. If you have a serious message to send, practice extending eye contact without blinking. Limited blinking adds to your message’s credibility.

Understanding the unconscious messages you send and how they harm or enhance your part in conflict can determine your career future.

On April 24th, join Sharon Sayler, MBA, CEC, behavioral communications expert and founder of Competitive Edge Communications for more information on defusing workplace conflict through what you say and how you say it, join our webinar: Courage under Fire: How to Defuse Conflict in the Workplace

Signup to join us for Courage under Fire: How to Defuse Conflict in the Workplace April 24th, 2012 at 8:30pm Eastern.

“Fool” is such a loaded word, full of guilt and shame… and I often hear “How could I have been such a fool?”

We’ve all had that moment where we realize we’ve been taken advantage of, where we stop and say, “How could that have happened?”

So, why do we fall for a lie and can we spot a liar?  The short answer is, as in much of life, “It depends.”

The television show “Lie To Me” made spotting a liar seem a lot simpler than it really is. There are many telltale signs that someone is lying, except when the liar believes his or her own lie such as a sociopath or psychopath might.  This post is not about being taken in by a sociopath or psychopath.

Why do some people see it coming and others don’t? Given the stakes, it makes sense that trust would develop with time. It isn’t always about intelligence. Although, having specific expertise or knowledge does help you see the signs.  If you are an expert on a subject, finding a distortion or falsehood is easier, as in the case of a complex financial ruse.  Yet we don’t always operate from what makes cogitative sense.  We often trust based on emotion and later rationalize on biased logic.

What is it that you want? That is what you are vulnerable to.
[tweet me!]

For deception to work quickly, there has to be a benefit, often emotional, that gets a person to believe quickly…even if the benefit is “He/she likes me!” “Buy it now. It’s the last one,” or “If you don’t get it, someone else will.” A person’s perceived benefit varies with one’s life experience. The benefit has to be worthwhile to the listener but not so high as to be unbelievable.

The deception connection begins with a testing of your beliefs, and may include a little falsehood here and there to see how you react and where your boundaries are. This is where you as the listener might begin to feel that something isn’t right but people often work harder to dismiss those feelings than to prove or disprove what you have just heard and seen.

At its root, deception and lying are a cooperative act. If the deceiver is not believed, the lie has lost its power. Yet, most of us want to believe others.  We are motivated by the expectation of reciprocity along with social proof or group affinity. Social proof is often observable through the statement of “everyone else is doing it why shouldn’t (can’t) we?” An example of affinity is belonging to the same religious organization or charity. It can even occur when you like the same types of things.  For instance we may both have poodles, and I’m good so you must be good.  To the extreme, a professional con artist finds out you are a huge Star Trek fan, then they begin to casually drop in references to Kirk and Spock – bingo – at the subconscious level you begin to believe they are just like you, including trustworthy. 

On any given day we are deceived multiple times, from outright lies to little white lies to “No, those don’t make you look fat,” and the clues to detect deception can be subtle and counter-intuitive. Recent research reveals that the “verbal methods of deception detection are better than nonverbal methods” despite the common assumption that nonverbal detection methods are more valuable according to the Association for Psychological Science. So, throw your assumptions out the door, we can’t always spot the liar, howeversome of the telltale signs to watch for are:

• Liars tend to freeze their upper body and movements become jerky.  Touching their face, throat, hair or mouth instead of gesturing, especially with an open, up-facing palm is common.  Timing and duration of spontaneous gestures and expected emotions are out of synch.  For example: saying “yes” while shaking the head “no.” 

• Eye contact that is extreme.  Too much or too little eye contact are both telltale signs. They look you in the eyes too much as they have heard the old adage about looking you in the eyes indicating that they’re trustworthy. Too little eye contact is related to guilt or shame.
• A fake smile.  The crows feet of the eyes cannot be faked – the real smile is in the eyes and other muscles of the face. Emotions are often limited to mouth movements when someone is lying or faking. A tight-lipped grin or smirk as the lie is almost complete indicates that they subconsciously think they have gotten away with it.  They may also have an asymmetrical smile of contempt as a way of saying, “You’ve been dismissed.” It’s associated with moral superiority and is shown by one lip corner being pulled up and inward.  
• Attitude and emotions are big indicators – and often overlooked. The display of emotion is exaggerated, delayed, or is of extended duration, then suddenly stops without a lasting facial quiver or micro-expressions. A long pause or repeating the question is an effort to stall for time to think.
• Too much irrelevant detail and strict chronological detail or a mismatch in language. They are willing to cooperate, willing to brainstorm and are happy to change the subject. May try righteous indignation, harsh humor or teasing if challenged.  They tend to use very formal language such as “I was not there” instead of “I wasn’t there.”  They may also use distancing language such as “I did not have sex with that woman,” instead of I didn’t have sex with her. Qualifying language such as “To tell you the truth,” “In all candor,” or “You know what I’m talking about,” are all signs that someone is trying to convince you they are telling the truth. You have to ask yourself, why are they trying so hard?

The above five signs are just part of a long list of possible ways to spot deception or an incomplete truth. Too many people discredit their own emotional / intuitive guide. Trust those gut feelings. The above tips should be viewed as red flags and when each are seen as a single movement or statement, they are not proof of deception. It’s the entire message along with a cluster of behaviors that are more important than someone who is uncomfortable with eye contact, for example.

Do You Feel There IS TOO Much Conflict In Your Workplace? Upcoming Webinar

Deception can cause conflict. On April 24th I’m teaming up with Dorothy Tannahill Moran, Career Development Coach and Advisor from http://nextchapternewlife.com/ on defusing workplace conflict through what you say and how you say it. 

Dorothy has opened the doors for my community to join in our webinar: Courage under Fire: How to Defuse Conflict in the Workplace, so please join us at https://www3.gotomeeting.com/register/665942038 presented on April 24 8:30 eastern.

No foolin’ here either. I’d love to get to know you – let’s talk. NO SALES!  Please just comment below and we’ll get the process started. I so look forward to learning about you, what you do and your struggles and visions for helping to change the world…

Have a great day whatever your adventure – keep smiling

To Success! To Life!

Sharon

If you would like to use this article be sure and add this resource information:
As a behavioral communications expert and founder of Competitive Edge Communications, I help high performing executives become confident communicators and leaders. They learn to enhance their natural charisma through developing their verbal and body language messages to quickly influence, inspire and persuade. www.SharonSayler.com
©2012 Competitive Edge Communications

You don’t realize how important some things are until you stop doing them – take breathing for instance…. Breathing seems natural enough, we do it on ‘auto-pilot’ — thank goodness! Can you imagine what it would be like if you had to remind yourself to breathe in, breathe out?

Yet, is your breathing auto-pilot working correctly?

Rushing around, “never catching your breath,” takes its toll, both mentally and physically. We often hold our breath and don’t even know we are doing it. Take a moment, right now, throw your arms open wide to expand your rib cage and take several full, complete breaths. Notice how your mood instantly changes? Presto, just like magic.

“Never catching your breath,” also known as breathing rapid and shallow (or high) seems to be the current state of most people’s auto-pilot. Shallow breathing only fills the upper chest area. When you breathe in using only one-third to one-half of the true or natural capacity, the result is that you are not getting the required oxygen to have both the mind and body function properly. The result is stress and tension increase in the body and your thinking can become hazy or muddled.  It doesn’t take too many rapid breaths to have both physical and mental effects.

The Not-So-Obivous Effects of Breathing

Besides stress and tension, hyperventilation, or turning blue and passing out, the negative effects of breathing rapid or shallow include a prolonged state of fight-or-flight. The constant release of fight-or-flight chemicals keeps you feeling as though you are under continuous assault or threat.

The fight-or-flight response is your hard-wired early warning system, designed to alert you to external threats. It not only warns us of real danger but also the mere perception of danger and can be a major factor in BURN-OUT! .

Although often consciously unaware of this perception, the message breathing high (shallow) sends to others is anger, danger, be afraid, or some other form of distress. When you’re breathing rapidly, others not only wonder if you are okay, but also they unconsciously worry about their own safety.

Breathing patterns are contagious; take care not to let yourself be affected by another person’s high, shallow or rapid breathing. Your breathing patterns and emotions are intertwined. Rapid breathing and the chemical changes that follow will also stop you from fully experiencing traumatic emotions all at one time – a benefit during crisis.

In short, your breathing pattern can change your emotional state and vice versa.  

Do a little experiment. Quickly sniff (short rapid inhales through the nose) ten times. What are you feeling right now? Most people feel a twinge of anxiety or anxiousness. That is the beginning of the fight-or-flight response.

The Way Nature Intended

Take a moment to observe how you are breathing right now. Low abdominal breathing is the natural pattern in normal situations. The purpose of consciously breathing with long, slow, deep abdominal breaths is to bring the carbon dioxide and oxygen levels back into balance. It does not take too many rapid breaths to get your body’s carbon dioxide-oxygen level out of balance. Remind yourself to breathe with natural and comfortable breaths when confronted by stressful situations. The increase in oxygen will decrease your anxiety and soothe your nerves. Breathing low is full and deep. It could also be called “complete breathing” as even the belly area expands. This type of breathing actually relaxes the body and helps clear a foggy mind.

While sitting quietly, place one hand on your abdomen and the other on your upper chest, and monitor how deeply and completely you are really breathing even at rest. Count the number of cycles you breathe in and out per minute. An inhalation, pause, exhalation and pause make one cycle. A normal inhalation and exhalation cycle occurs twelve to fourteen times a minute when awake, and six to eight times a minute while asleep.

Monitor your breathing from time to time to make sure your breathing is sending a message to both yourself and others of being confident and comfortable.

Enjoying the adventure
To Success! To Life!
Sharon

P.S. There are many experts on stress reduction and all are valuable for our long term health. Seek out professional stress reduction help when necessary.

Today’s guest expert, International Productivity Expert Athenée Mastrangelo, from www.ActionChaos.com shares with us the 5 steps for running an effective meeting. I don’t know about you, but nothing makes my eyes roll faster and farther into my head than meetings than just drag on and on….

Are you running effective meetings?

Don’t you just love spending your time in meetings?  Yeah right, we all despise them – they’re boring and usually take way too long, but more importantly most of the time we leave a meeting having accomplished nothing significant.

Before scheduling your next meeting ask yourself:

• Is this a one- or two-way information sharing meeting, if it’s a one-way just send out an email
• Rather than having an onsite meeting, use an online workspace to collaborate on your project

And if you still think you need to hold that meeting check out the following 5 Steps.

5 Steps to Running an Effective Meeting

1.  Laser Focus your Meeting

Before even scheduling a meeting, get really clear on the purpose or desired outcome of your meeting.  Think with the end in mind.  At the end of the meeting you want attendees to do ….  You need answers to …  Have scheduled dates for…

Once you know your desired outcome you’re ready for Step 2.

2.  Have an Agenda in Place

Hold more effective meetings by having an agenda in place to make sure you keep everyone focused on your objectives of the meeting.  In the next section we’ll show you a sample of a meeting template, feel free to use it and adjust to your meeting needs.

Share your agenda with all the attendees prior to your meeting, giving them a chance to prepare for the meeting.

Save our paper, money, and our planet:  Most of us have a laptop, iPad, or tablet – use it at the meeting!  Please ask your team not to print out the agenda unless really necessary.

3.  Start & End on Time

"The cost of a minute. If you earn $50,000/year, it’s about fifty cents. Waiting ten minutes for someone costs $5.00. If ten people at a meeting are waiting ten minutes for someone, that’s $50."  ~Harold Taylor

Here’s another big complaint:  Meetings not starting on time.  This can be due to lack of preparation or other attendees showing up late.  Be prepared and start on time!  You snooze you lose:  If attendees show up late, don’t go back and repeat what you have already covered – this will only set back your meeting.

Now that you’ve started on time, keep your meeting on track (Step 4) so you can end your meeting on time – everyone will thank you for it at the end!

4.  Stay on Track

When you set up your meeting agenda allocate time to each section/topic of your meeting.  Make sure to respect that time, therefore making sure you stay on track and on time.  If you keep to the plan they will respect and honor it for future meetings.

5.  Have a Leader

Every meeting must have one person who is in charge. This person must have the power to call the meeting, manage the meeting, and make sure that discussions remain relevant to the topic at hand.

It’s also helpful to have a Timer, someone who makes sure you stay on track time-wise.  You should also assign someone to take notes during the meeting.  They need to be in charge of sending out the meeting notes to all attendees shortly after the meeting ends.

Save Time with a Meeting Template

Here’s the sample meeting agenda we promised:

Meeting:  [Topic]

Day/Time:  [Day & Time]
Location:   [Meeting Room 1]

Attendees:
    •    [Attendee 1]
    •    [Attendee 2]
    •    [Attendee 3]

Agenda:
    •    10 minutes: [Agenda item A]
    •    10 minutes: [Agenda item B]
    •    15 minutes: [Agenda item C]
    •    10 minutes: Wrap-up and Action review

Action Items:
    •    [Action item 1 - Attendee(s) responsible]
    •    [Action item 2 - Attendee(s) responsible]
    •    [Action item 3 - Attendee(s) responsible]

Notes:
Additional notes and discussions

======

Thank you Athenée for saving us from ‘death’ by meeting or committee.

Enjoying the Adventure in and out of meetings.

To Success! To Life!

Sharon

About the Author: Athenée Mastrangelo Athenée Mastrangelo is an International Productivity Expert and is focused on personal & team productivity as well as working in the cloud.  Find out more here or connect with her on Facebook and LinkedIn

I was recently reading an article on the differences between extrovert and introvert. As a self-proclaimed word-nerd, I was stunned at how this ‘expert’ author, who shall remain nameless here, framed the different distinctions. If one looks carefully at the word choices, it appears the author has a preference.  Here are two examples:

Notice how the words ‘open and need’ and ‘easily and do not’ frame your opinion.  How does ‘open and talkative’ relate to ‘territory’? Is ‘territory’ a reference to personal space?  Define  ‘make versus do  not have friends’… Please….

Extrovert and Introvert are ‘shorthand labels’ used to describe our innate abilities and preferences to regulate our impulses, our resiliency, the way we choose to communicate and influence and our leadership style to name just a few. We can perpetuate the idea that introversion is a negative or we can choose to see the two different types for what they are: different, but not better or worse.

Words do change minds. Consider…

Even in my attempt to remain neutral, one could argue that I have framed a view of reality at its most basic level. 

As a writer, however we choose to frame a subject, it is imbued with persuasion, as all writing is an expression of ethical choices.
 

‘Fake It Until You Make It’ never works because FAKING IS FAKING, let me explain:

How you talk to yourself is directly reflected in your nonverbal communication. You can’t stop it; how you feel – such as feeling fake – comes through loud and clear…. You tell yourself to fake it and your mind does just that, IT FAKES IT.

Did you know that 90 to 95% of what we do comes from habit or the unconscious mind? That’s HUGE!  It’s necessary too. Imagine having to tell yourself having to breathe in – breathe out….

However, operating from the unconscious mind does become a problem when we are not getting the results we want and still keep doing the same thing! To paraphrase Einstein: Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

So doing the math, that leaves us using no more than 10% of our brainpower to consciously choose what we do. It’s sad, can you imagine how much more we could do and be successful at just by being even 1% more strategic? As a pilot, I know from flight training school that being 1% off on my flight path will cause me to end up in a whole different place – hopefully near an airport!  In flying, a 1% difference is not good, in striving for success it could make all the difference in the world!

You Can Use Body Language To Express Yourself But Faking An Emotion is Difficult

Body language that mirrors our thoughts and feelings has a spontaneous quality, that isn’t easily faked.  When you ‘act as if’ your thoughts and feelings are aligned, your intention is clear and your actions and behaviors flow with a spontaneous quality.

You can’t fake being happy or playful with your body language even though you show up with a smile. Being sad or unhappy will appear first in your inability to maintain sincere eye contact. Eye contact is an important aspect of social interaction, and it is something that many emotional or anxious people have difficulty with. It is the most consciously immediate non-verbal that people notice.

Your eyes give away your emotions such as pain, sadness, happiness or anger quickly. Often people with apprehension or emotional difficulty describe direct eye contact as anxiety-provoking or uncomfortable. The eyes really are the ‘window to the soul’ and your unconscious mind.

Be Careful What You Say To Yourself, You WILL Believe It…

A bit of background: Your thoughts, feelings and behaviors / actions are all combined in the unconscious mind and they flow from your beliefs. The unconscious mind is literal. It takes every word you say to yourself as fact.  If we say, "fake it," then that’s what it does! IT FAKES IT!  Imagine me saying, “Don’t think of a pink elephant.” What is in your mind right now even though I told you not to think about it?

If I can’t fake it and make it, how do I think and behave in a strategic way? ACT AS IF….

So if you’ve been told "fake it until you make it," it will never work because it will look fake! Your unconscious mind will do everything it can to make it look FAKE.  So how do I make my actions and behaviors – my nonverbal communication – not look fake? Since your actions and behaviors are tied to your thoughts and emotions, strategically chose the actions and behaviors you would like to use to get the result you want.

A simple way to Act As If is to choose someone you admire for a specific skill you would like to learn or adopt – then ACT AS IF you are them, doing that skill. Be that character,  it works every time.

Example:  My partner is an extrovert.  As such, he has no problem walking up to complete strangers that ‘look interesting’ and starting a conversation. So, when I’m not getting the results I want or I am talking myself out of meeting someone at a networking event I ask myself, "What would he do?" I then step into his shoes and act as if I’m him.  I know it might sound silly, but Act As If works….

Stepping into the ‘as if I am him’ mindset and using the skills I see him use has shown me how easy it is to use the tools that are needed in that situation. My unconscious mind, thoughts and feelings can no longer tell me I can’t do something, since I’ve already had the experience through Act As If.

In my coaching events, people are often amazed at how quickly their nonverbals including their voice patterns change, some even adopting accents without even working at it. When we set an intention to Act As If our unconscious adopts the movements / patterns / thoughts / emotions necessary to make it work.

Again, “Act As If” is not “fake it until you make it”.  Telling yourself to fake it is faking it. The brain knows the meaning of the word “fake” and it will make it look fake… so trash that model and always Act As If….

Please join me for more great tips and ideas on how to show up and shine.  If you haven’t already signed up, go to http://introvertsguidetotheuniverse.com and sign up now for my OUT YOUR INNIE 4-part webinar on skills to BE SEEN, BE HEARD and GET PAID!

I’ll leave you today with a quote from one of my favorite authors, Anais Nin: “We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.”

Enjoy the Adventure.

To Success! To Life!

Sharon

Oh, the love/hate day is here once again. Of course, showing love should be more than once a year….yet, Valentines Day always brings out the uber-romantic in me.

Since today is Valentines Day, let me take this time to thank you for being part of my world. It means so much to me and that we can be passionate about building a world of open dialogue based in respect-filled communication.  My irrational passion for respect-filled communication comes from an earlier time of being misunderstood, being loose to judge and quick to verbally defend what I thought was ‘right.’ I was guilty of all those and more…yet, we don’t have to stay trapped.

Although Valentines Day can make people feel trapped, this is one of those days so packed with emotion that the ‘landmines’ are literally underfoot, waiting for the tongue to trip up and set off a cascade of unintended events. In my one-to-one coaching, I often hear how this day is fraught with emotions – both positive and negative.  It’s packed with opportunity to create more love, or more fights, even loneliness can consume our thoughts. 

A few years ago being single and on the road on this fateful day, I went into a ‘fancy’ restaurant for dinner and was refused service as I was dining alone…. The expectations surrounding this day abound!!

It doesn’t have to be big, dramatic or even on purpose to harm a relationship. Too often I see even the well-meaning hurt their loved ones with a dismissive gesture, an emotional bid* left unresponded to or a word spoken in haste that can never be taken back.  (I won’t even bother to mention the thought-filled words spoken to harm, minimize, judge or offered as ‘constructive feedback.’)

The Three Big Eros (Love) Errors are:

1. Reading their mind, and just as bad, us assuming they can read our mind. It’s great when we’ve been together so long we are used to the habits and preferences of others, but do we really know?  The first Eros Error is when we think we ‘know’ just what the other person wants/feels/needs. Take responsibility and speak up. Use first person statements such as ‘I feel,’ ‘I think.’ None of this ‘You always,’ ‘You never,’ crap! Admit it, you hate it when your partners/friends tell you what you are thinking, so why should they like it anymore than we do?
   
   
2. Not speaking a love language our partner understands.  Often, I hear he/she should just know…. Why? We all express love, affection, caring and friendship differently. Does your partner express love through action and you through words? Be attuned to how your partner shows love and share in that same language.  The five love languages are Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch from Dr. Gary Chapman’s landmark book The 5 Love Languages®.  If you haven’t read this book, it’s a must read for communicating with those you love. http://sharonsayler.com/love-language This is not an affiliate link. I just love the book!
    
3. Refusing to give the benefit of the doubt. Often we get distracted and say things too quickly or we jump to conclusions and mistake the motivation behind our partners’ words and actions. When we jump to conclusions, we can say and do things we will regret and cause greater harm to one another and our relationships.

Have a great day whatever your Valentines Adventures are!
To Life! To Success!
Sharon

p.s.  Remember to Kiss Slowly and Forgive Quickly.  I was at a craft show the other day where I bought a beautiful fused glass coaster with the words “Kiss Slowly Forgive Quickly” embedded within. I wish I knew who to attribute those four profound words to alas I don’t, thank you who ever you are….

* Emotional bids are from Dr. John Gottman’s work. He has a fun quiz over at http://www.gottman.com/qz2/bidsforconnection.html if you would like to learn more.
 

A great little bit of wisdom here in this story shared by my friend and fellow coach Ann Convery.

Never Show Them Your Toolbox

Jack was a spectacular business consultant.

His corporate clients increased their sales by 20-30%. 

All his prospects wanted to know how he did it. He never told them.

“I tell them I sell 20% more revenue,” said Jack, “and then I shut up.”

“I never say:  “You will have to change your behavior, grow new habits,
and get your leadership and sales under control.” 

They would say, “Ugh!  That won’t work!”

Jack knew that the moment he showed people how he did it, or
showed them the tools in his toolbox, they would stop being excited
about his results and start thinking.

Thinking thoughts like,

“I’ve done that before.”
“Oh, I’ve heard of that.  Doesn’t work.”
“Sounds too hard.”
“I have to do WHAT?”

When you tell people beforehand how you get your results….
they will use a variation of the 3 most dangerous words in the English language,

“I know that!”

And all the excitement, the anticipation, the mystery, the intrigue, will vanish.

Telling people how you do it is dangerous.

It gets their “Little Brain” thinking…

and all it can think of is why your process won’t work. 

~ Because it’s never experienced success with you before. ~

See?

The Little Brain can’t imagine what it hasn’t experienced.

So don’t go there.

Don’t show them what’s in your toolbox.

Try it.  It works.

About Ann Convery Ann’s signature system, "You’re So Brilliant, Why Don’t They Buy?" is responsible for transforming business-as-usual into 40-60% increased income, doubled lists, 60% opt-in rates, and other spectacular results. Visit http://www.youresobrilliant.com/ and check out the audio. Or visit www.annconvery.com for an overview.

A couple days ago guest blogger Gary Ryan Blair shared 15 ideas to save you time, energy and money in “What is this two-letter word costing you?”.

But, how do you say no? In business, saying no is often about respecting and valuing your most precious commodity, your time.

How To Say “No”

When you must say no, be direct. Saying no is not a time to beat around the bush. Although no often sounds more polite with a short pre and/or post-amble, “I’m sorry, I can’t,” just begs for a reply of “But why?”

A short explanation proactively stops the inevitable “Why?”  

Pre and post-amble examples:

• “What an interesting project, thank you for asking however I can’t commit at this time because…”
• I know how important this project is to you.  I just can’t fit it in. It wouldn’t be fair to you to not give it my full attention. I have to (complete, accomplish, finish)….

Replies such as the two above work well when business associates are asking for a favor or partnership, etc.  It is a way to acknowledge their ideas or efforts without accepting the offer or responsibility. They are very affirmative when written in first person.

If you are worried that the “no” might cause an angry reaction, speak in the third person. An interesting little quirk of communication is that by speaking in the third person you depersonalize your statement and make your calendar the “bad guy” and not you. Examine the different response you have as you read the following example:

• “Unfortunately, the calendar just doesn’t allow time to take on this event.”

The above comment stands on its own, however you can always add a softener with a “because…” or “perhaps in 2 months….”

• “Unfortunately, the calendar just doesn’t allow time to take on this event.  There are too many other obligations at this time perhaps .”

If the person is pushy, you can always stall with “Let me check, I’ll get back to you,” or I’ll have to review my current obligations, I’ll tell you tomorrow.” It’s considerate to put a timeframe on your stall. Be sure to honor your commitment and respond either positive or negative.

Situations vary; consider combining, mix and matching, adding, and subtracting parts until it feels just right for your situation. Learning to say no will make your relationships run smoother. Being nice at the expense of yourself helps no one. With these few simple suggestions the reaction isn’t as bad as what we imagine.

— Does the word “no” rarely part your lips?

— Are you always worried about what others will say if you say "No"?

— Maybe you think "nice people" just don’t say no….

What is not saying NO costing you?

I know, even the thought of saying "No" can cause stress.  "I can’t say "No, to <INSERT NAME>." and  "My <INSERT GOOD CAUSE> needs me!"  Saying "No" brings out all kinds of negative emotions especially guilt.

If it makes you feel any better, you’re not alone.

Not saying no is rarely about just saying yes when you really want to say no.  No is a boundary and one of the most difficult things to do, for women in particular, is draw boundaries and keep them in place. We always tell ourselves "<INSERT NAME> depends on me to…." Now, I’m not talking about saying no to everything.

Where should you draw the line? Of course only you know the answer to that. It is up to each individual. To help give you some great starter moves I asked, Gary Ryan Blair if I could share his recent e-letter on "Saying No."

I thought it very relevant as we review 2011 and prepare for 2012.  Incorporating even just a couple of Gary’s 15 ideas below will save you time, energy and money. Vow to make 2012 your year to say NO to what really doesn’t serve you.

——–

No, No, No

   by Guest Blogger Gary Ryan Blair

Saying No is the world’s best, fastest and easiest productivity strategy, primarily because it simplifies.

You will succeed on the basis of what, where and how you say "no". And "Saying NO" allows you to get more control over your daily life and activities–IMMEDIATELY!

For the first 100 days of 2012, you must resolve to give "NO" the strategic resolve it deserves!

The following are fifteen simple, effective and empowering strategies that you can use to get results–IMMEDIATELY!

1.) What strategies, initiatives and activities will you say "no" to?

There is great feeling, focus, empowerment, and impact when everyone agrees on paper the activities that will not be done.

Pull out a piece of paper and list all of the superfluous activities that can slow down, or prevent progress from happening altogether.

Everything is fair game and absolutely nothing is sacred in this exercise. Simply put, if it does not advance you forward, then say no!

2.) What meetings will you decline or delegate?

List every meeting you have in place for the foreseeable future and determine which you will NOT be attending. Meetings consume large chunks of productive time, most are run improperly and inefficiently, and most can be declined or delegated to someone else.

3.) What relationships will you not keep?

The way you manage your relationships has an enormous impact on your ability to perform at consistently high levels.

Identify the top three energy-draining relationships, that you are committed to saying "no" to for the next 100 days. Then focus on creating strategies to free yourself from each of them.

4.) What measurements will you ignore?

Say goodbye to all lagging indicators and ONLY pay attention to measurements related to customer satisfaction and the levers that directly drive sales, margin, operating expense and ROI.

5.) What customers will you not target?

Identify your IDEAL prospect, client or customer and quit chasing every opportunity as it’s a complete waste of time and resources. Once identified, you must then articulate who you will NOT target.

Finally, make decisions on segments of your customers that deserve "VIP" treatment.

6.) What competitors will you not follow?

Way too much time is lost by following and focusing on too many competitors and so-called guru’s. Identify the top three and immediately remove yourself from all of the other email distribution lists, blogs and other related communications.

7.) What websites will you not visit?

Web sites are like magnets and vampires, as they draw you in and suck away productive time. Pull up your list of favorites, delete most of them and keep only the ones of greatest value. You must institute a "No Surfing" policy and stick to it.

8.) What money will you not spend?

Put yourself on a fiscal diet as every dollar spent should be thought of as an investment towards greater operating income — even petty cash. With this in mind, what things, or even entire budget categories, will you not spend?

9.) What trips will you not make?

It’s hard to deny the power of ‘showing up’ in person as great things happen when you show up and interact with customers and colleagues. Nonetheless, trips consume massive gobs of time and money. Therefore, consider how you can use technology to replace trips, and only travel when it can make a big impact towards your primary goals.

10.) What foods will you not eat?

Reaching the next level of performance and productivity begins with how you manage energy. It’s disturbing to see the immense amount of human and corporate potential squandered due to the misuse of energy.

Unhealthy eating habits, lack of exercise, negativity, sarcasm, unfocused goals and strategies are all contributing factors to energy loss. Focus in on your nutritional intake and exercise by eliminating any food, or drink that compromises your energy levels.

11.) What excuses will you not engage in?

Excuses drain energy, time, production and profits. Have a brutally honest conversation with yourself and determine the excuses or behaviors that you must do away with. I’m aware that it’s easier said than done, but you will NOT be able to achieve your true potential by fighting for and repeating useless behavior.

12.) What will you not say?

Develop the habit of saying NOTHING that does not move the ‘agenda’ forward or uplift others. Speak ONLY of the solution, and waste not a second on the problem or blame.

You will save a lot of time and mental energy which can be directed towards more useful activities.

13.) What thoughts will you not entertain?

Remember that which does not move you towards your goal, takes you away from it. Therefore remove those thoughts that are limiting, defeating or downright negative and consciously choose to replace them with thoughts of abundance, optimism, and positivity. Don’t tolerate negative thoughts or conversations from yourself or others.

14.) What television shows will you not view?

If there was ever a time hog that needed to be slaughtered, television tops the list.  In even a moderate TV-watching household, it’s simply amazing how many hours are spent in front of the box. The solution–go cold turkey!

15.) What will you no longer tolerate from yourself or others?

Saying "no" and meaning it is the easiest word for setting a limit, holding firm to boundaries, and being clear about what you will or will not do. Identify the standards you wish to measure your life by and refuse to lower or negotiate at any time, nor for any reason.

Use the veto power of "No" regularly and with conviction as it’s a powerful strategic weapon that you can use to maximize your results in the first 100 days of the New Year.

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About Gary Ryan Blair from http://www.100daychallenge.com/

The 100 Day Challenge is a revolutionary extreme performance acceleration system that is responsible for transforming business and human potential into extraordinary results worldwide. Visit http://www.100daychallenge.com/ and take the 7-Day Test Drive.