…

As a child, I used to play card game after card game, Crazy Eights, Old Maid, Hearts, Spoons, etc., with my beloved Aunt Myrtle. Each match, she made me create a strategy from what I was dealt. Even if one round went badly, the game kept going, round after round. Even the worst hand could end up winning with some luck and a solid focus.

What Aunt Myrtle’s child’s play taught me about life:

1. Quit tolerating mediocre. To attract the results I want, I must commit the time and space to learn the rules of the game to receive the results I want.

2. Choices will hold me accountable. Before I act, I will know my intention and desired outcome(s).

3. Stay focused. Most problems are solved the same way; it’s just the details that are different.

4. Stop wasting time on the shoulda, coulda, and what-ifs of life. Know that I can let go, to go in the direction I want.

5. Think from multiple points of view at the same time. Imagination and creative thinking drive results. Results drive outcomes.

6. Do not force an outcome. Outcomes may arrive differently than I expect. I will leave room for luck to amaze me and be grateful when it does.

7. Implement your plan in a direction that is simple and flexible.

8. Play win-win regardless of who wins. It’s a game of hearts. Dismiss the glass-half-full or half-empty perspective. I have a glass. Share it.

Regardless of the game’s name, the best (and worst) part of the game is it’s up to me (and maybe a bit of luck) to get the results I want.

Thank you, Aunt Myrtle, so far, so good.

…

If you’d love to know how you are being seen, I have a gift for you: The 5 Little-Known Things That Affect How Others See You… body language e-book. Some might surprise you! What fun!

I look forward to connecting with you and enjoying the grand adventure of life. I’m passionate about communication, finding answers, and making meaning out of challenges including living well.

You can find more articles and musings over at Medium too.

Connect with me here too:
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A previous version was published in a book written by Sharon Sayler titled ‘Life’s Short. Live Passionately.’

The post What Aunt Myrtle Knew: Her Crazy Eight Growing Up Right Rules appeared first on Sharon Sayler.

Dear Sharon,

I belong to (an international speakers training group). When it’s my turn to give a presentation, they count my “ums, ahs and uhs,” which is good.

The problem is, I can’t stop saying ums, ahs and uhs! I actually think it gets worse when I know they are being counted. Help! How do I stop myself?  Regards,  Fred (name changed)

Great question Fred!

Welcome to a large club, you are addicted to the verbal pause.

So what is a verbal pause? A typical verbal message has two parts: the actual spoken word and the pause between the segments, sentences, and thoughts. As you know, it is natural to pause when you speak; it’s when you breathe. However, when you fill the pause with words such as “um, ah, uh, and you know,” it detracts from your message.

Verbal pauses are distracting. Instead of looking calm, confident and intelligent, the audience sees you searching for the next “real” words. Even worse than saying “um” and “ah” is saying an extended word or bridge word. Examples of bridge words are “aanndddd,” “bbuutttt” and “soooo.”

Eliminating the verbal pause is a two-step process: awareness and practice. First, it’s important to be aware that it is in the silence that you will look most intelligent. It allows the listener to catch up with what you said and have a moment to reflect or commit your message to memory.

Being aware that meaningless extra syllables or words like “um” that make you look LESS intelligent is often enough to cure those addicted. That’s a tweetable!

Second, the “um,” “ah,” “uh” and “you knows” are warning signs that you need to breathe. They are all exhales and a signal that your brain is not getting enough oxygen to continue to think clearly.

When the brain has all the oxygen it needs, it’s easy to remember things, think clearly and appear credible and confident. When you run out of oxygen, your brain starts feeding unintelligible words to your mouth — your clue to stop talking and start breathing.

A Strange but True Fact About the Silent Pause

To maintain the attention of the listener(s) during a silent pause, you must use a “frozen” hand gesture. Holding a hand gesture without moving it throughout the pause allows the listener’s mind to see, feel, interpret and internalize your message, which adds extra impact to what you just said.

Move or change the gesture only when you begin to speak again if you want to hold the floor, or connect what you previously said to what you’re about to say. If you want to disconnect the two thoughts, drop the gesture before you speak again.

How Long Do I Pause In Silence?

The size of the audience determines how long you pause. In a normal one-to-one conversation, a pause is short: only a second or two to get a complete breath.

When talking to a small audience of 20 or less, keep your pause just a couple of seconds long. Watch a clock – two seconds can feel like a long time. A pause of three seconds may add emphasis to what was just said, but longer and the small audience thinks you are done or lost your train of thought.

You have more latitude with a large audience. A pause of four to six seconds and the audience will think the pause is to emphasize what was just said… and those that were not paying attention will begin to wonder what they missed. A silent pause longer than eight to ten seconds, and the listener(s) will begin to fill the silent void, frozen hand gesture or not.

Watch a TV preacher sometime and notice how they use an extended silent pause. The extended pause is to encourage you to reflect and agree with what was just said…. They have mastered the extended or “for emphasis” silent pause.

When you master the power of silence, your message will be seen as credible and trustworthy and thus more effective.   That’s a tweetable!

Embracing each and every experience

To Success! To Life!

Sharon

The post Q&A: Silence Is More Than Golden… appeared first on Sharon Sayler.

For years, I would get obsessed when things went wrong and fret over “What did I do wrong?” I would ruminate and ruminate… sometimes I would uncover something I did or said and sometimes not. A fair amount of the time, I couldn’t discover what, if anything, I’d done to cause a difficult response, conflict or an unexpected response. Yet, why did I always feel I was walking and talking on “eggshells” and the follow-up internal dialogue always evoked a “WTF, now I have to make it right, perfect, better, fair…” even when I knew I’d done nothing wrong.

It was exhausting.  Maybe you can relate? inally I realized often times the response had nothing to do with me or what I’d done (or

Finally, I realized, often times the response had nothing to do with me or what I’d done (or not done.) what is my number one rule for dealing with difficult people?

QUIT TAKING IT PERSONALLY!

Now, maybe you are thinking “That’s it!!”  Well, it’s a huge part of it….

Simple, I know, but not often easy.

My dear friend and longtime mentor Michael Grinder, shares this anchor* to remember to not take things personally… Carry a Q-TIP (yes, the cotton swab) in your pocket as a physical and visual reminder to QUIT TAKING IT PERSONALLY!  (QTIP) Tah-dah! 

*An anchor is a catalyst used to ‘trigger’ a consistent positive or negative memory response. We learn by making links and associations and an anchor is anything that gives you the desired response, it can be physical like the QTIP, or a pinch of your finger, a sound, an image, a touch, smell, a taste etc.

Try it, let me know how it works for you in the comments below. What other ways have you found to not take things personally?

Have a great day whatever your adventures,

To Success! To Life!

Sharon

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Speaking of perfect, have you ever noticed how many of us want the holidays to be perfect?

What the heck is ‘perfect’ anyway? Is it the Norman Rockwell vision of everyone sitting ’round the table with a Martha Stewart turkey? I don’t think I could get that color on a turkey even if I spray-painted it. And who invented brussels sprouts anyway?

Over my morning tea, I pondered ways to make the holidays perfect. Here are 3 ways I came up with. I’m sure there are more, please share yours in the comment section below.

#1 Use your eyebrows. Remember, just because you are asked a stupid (or otherwise) question, it doesn’t mean you have to answer it. If you really want to be bold, a well-timed raised eyebrow and a flash of direct eye-contact just about says it all.

#2 Sit at the kids table. It’s always more fun and the conversation more carefree. “Get the wiggles out at the table by providing a small squeeze toy,” says Janet Allison, (www.boysalive.com) author and founder of Boys Alive! Thanks, Janet, we all get the “wiggles” when we would rather be doing something else….

#3 Keep breathing. Shallow or rapid breathing activates your fight, flight or freeze response. Extend your exhale. It’s during the exhale that your body relaxes. Focus on your breathing also keeps you present in the moment. Stress only happens when our thoughts take us to a past painful event or an expectation of a similar event in the future.  Enjoy each moment as it unfolds, you just might surprise yourself with how stress-free staying present can be.

So there you have it, my 3 chai and sunrise inspired tips to have a perfect holiday…. If you’re celebrating Thanksgiving this week, I wish you a perfect (whatever that means to you) one; and for all, here and around the world, wishing you joy and abundance always.

I am honored that you have chosen to be part of my community and I am able to share and work with you to reach your goals, bring out your “perfect” and create the life of your dreams — that is what makes what I do perfect!

Have a great week whatever your adventure.
To Success! To Life!
Sharon

Featured Image: ©ZaHarD | DepositPhotos.com

The post How to have a perfect holiday appeared first on Sharon Sayler.

I’ve had clients that know certain suggestions I make would make a difference, yet they steadfastly say, “Come up with a different answer, because I don’t like that.” It could be as simple as writing an email or make a phone call…yet some fear, from somewhere, is keeping them from moving towards what they say they want. That’s resistance sharing the mind-stage with fear….

Then they complain and blame all types of events, people, and situations for not getting what they set out to get. Many even have an “If only I had done…” mind-battle when the moment has passed. That’s guilt now pushing fear and resistance off the mind-stage. Guilt can be a drama queen and often likes to stick around on the mind-stage far too long.

Consider the four most common fears that stop us from reaching our full potential:

F: Failure
E: Embarrassment
A: Awesomeness
R: Rejection

These fears are based on not knowing what will happen next just like most fears. It’s a fear of leaving what you know for what you don’t know. That’s where the axiom for fear as “false evidence appearing real” comes from. I like it, but sometimes the evidence is real or we don’t recognize what we are feeling as fear.

Not knowing is never fun, but thinking we know what’s going to happen next is really a construct of our mind. Do we really truly know what will happen next?  No, we only know what will probably happen next based on what has happened previously. Those moments of not knowing can often feel like a free-fall. It can be uncomfortable. Yet, I haven’t found a way to make great strides in getting what you want without those moments of having to consciously breathe fully and completely, then trusting, just trusting you will know what to do when the time comes.

Living courageously, consciously and mindfully requires us to acknowledge that many parts of us exist including fear, resistance, and guilt. This trio is part of our internal safety gatekeepers. Managing the mental side of the FEAR family is a life-long commitment and being mindful of your triggers and where you resist growth and change will allow you to consciously take control to break through those fears that appear very real. Don’t let these hidden fears of greatness keep you from your full potential.

• Where are you shoving a brick under your own success accelerator…?
• What fears do you allow to stand in your way?

The post The FEAR Family: FEAR, and Its Cousins, “Resistance” and “Guilt” appeared first on Sharon Sayler.

Here’s Laurie’s description of the show: World-renown body language expert Sharon Sayler has created an entire colorful family to coach children ages 3 to 5 years old. Pinky Chenille and the Rainbow Hunters is full of beautiful illustrations, a delightful story, and coaching questions so you can talk to your child about the potential lessons learned. Sharon also shares a few body language secrets making this a great show for parents as well as adults who want to be successful.

Learn more about Laurie Lawson and The Coaching Game at: http://www.laurielawson-elj.com/the-coaching-game.html

The post Sharon Sayler’s guest appearance on The Coaching Game with Laurie Lawson appeared first on Sharon Sayler.

Facts tell and stories sell is a saying I learned in sales class years ago and it’s true as far as it goes.

If you sell with stories, all stories you tell have to be relevant, not only for the audience but in context to what you are selling.

Recently, I heard a speaker who was there to sell a mostly female audience his CRM software tell a story about his pregnant wife and how difficult it is living with a pregnant woman…. I can only assume he thought his story was funny since he was speaking to a predominately female audience. Too bad he hadn’t a clue he’d just stepped into alienating the majority of his audience with his story.

The way you know you’ve “stepped in it” with your audience is when the first of the three horsemen of public speaking disaster arrive.

For our misguided storyteller, the first clue he missed was the look of shock in about 70% of the audience — the first horseman had just run away with the audience’s attention.

Shock can be seen, heard and felt from the stage. It is a pullback of the head from the neck with a slight inhale “gasp” sound and often an open mouth accompanied by wide eyes. A shocked audience is thinking; “Can you believe this guy?” You’ve momentarily lost the audience, but it’s still recoverable.

As he continued his story, confusion set in with many in the audience — the second horseman of speaking disaster…. A confused audience isn’t listening to the speaker anymore. They are too busy looking back and forth to the people sitting near them, hoping that someone will confirm their own sanity — as in “What did s/he just say?”

Once a majority of the audience has gone from confused to shocked, it’s almost too late…. For him, our CRM seller, it was too late, the third and final horseman of speaking disaster had arrived — an annoyed audience — and that horseman was leading many from the audience right out the door.

There are many ways to invite the three horsemen of public speaking disaster and telling a misguided story is one of the top reasons they show up.

A good selling story from the stage is short, to the point, relevant and expresses why your story is important to “them,” your audience in relation to why you and they are there. To make a good story great, it should create positive feelings similar to “Bravo, that’s me,” “I want that too” or “That could be me.”

Be alert for the three horsemen of public speaking disaster, a shocked, confused, and/or annoyed audience to keep them from riding away with your talk!

To Your Speaking Success,
Sharon

p.s. Please share this with those you know would like to be better communicators. We all have to speak in public sometimes, even if you don’t choose to speak from a stage.

The post The 3 Horsemen of Public Speaking Disaster appeared first on Sharon Sayler.

For years, I would get obsessed when things went wrong and fret over “What did I do wrong?” I would ruminate and ruminate… sometimes I would uncover something I did or said and sometimes not. A fair amount of the time, I couldn’t discover what, if anything, I’d done to cause a difficult response, conflict or an unexpected response. Yet, why did I always feel I was walking and talking on “eggshells” and the follow-up internal dialogue always evoked a “WTF, now I have to make it right, perfect, better, fair…” even when I knew I’d done nothing wrong.

It was exhausting.  Maybe you can relate? inally I realized often times the response had nothing to do with me or what I’d done (or

Finally, I realized, often times the response had nothing to do with me or what I’d done (or not done.) what is my number one rule for dealing with difficult people?

QUIT TAKING IT PERSONALLY!

Now, maybe “WTF! That’s it!!” just ran through your head. Well, it’s a huge part of it….

Simple, I know, but not often easy.

My dear friend and longtime mentor Michael Grinder, shares this anchor* to remember to not take things personally… Carry a Q-TIP (yes, the cotton swab) in your pocket as a physical and visual reminder to QUIT TAKING IT PERSONALLY!  (QTIP) Tah-dah! 

*An anchor is a catalyst used to ‘trigger’ a consistent memory response. We learn by making links and associations and an anchor is anything that gives you the desired response, it can be physical like the QTIP, or a pinch of your finger, a sound, an image, a touch, smell, a taste etc.

When something is anchored, we react, or not, without thinking. Try it, let me know how it works for you in the comments below. What other ways have you found to not take things personally?

Have a great day whatever your adventures,

To Success! To Life!

Sharon

The post Life’s easier when you use this one rule with difficult people appeared first on Sharon Sayler.

I was giving a training to a corporate group. I knew several members from a previous training including “Marv.” When I first met Marv, I noticed an interesting quirk he had of wringing his hands.

It was in a much larger class and given the scope and reason for that training, I chose not to comment. The group accepted him, quirk and all, and it didn’t seem to be affecting his performance.

With only 14 participants in this training and a performance refinement focus, I was able to give fuller attention to the possible “whys” and reasons behind Marv’s quirk. When someone wrings their hands the most common automatic snap judgment/assumption is hand-wringing is a negative body message.

It can indicate several things, such as apprehension, nervousness, uncertainty, or even calculated aggression as in the cartoons of the wicked villain wringing his hands just before he strikes…. All of these assumptions about hand-wringing can be true and are emotion-responses based in stress and anxiety.

As such, the casual observer would most likely jump to the conclusion that Marv is nervous or anxious and within a split-second that same observer would leap to the assumption that anxiety is contagious and that it’s best to avoid anxious people.

Too bad, if the observer had been able to stay outside their own anxiety about anxiety they would find that this is not anxiety, it is how Marv thinks. When Marv is wringing his hands, he has gone “inside” to explore all he knows deeply. When his hands again become still, prepare yourself for what comes out of his mouth next to be well-thought out, reasoned, compared to other possibilities, and always insightful. I love the way Marv thinks.

Marv’s hands are the visible expression of those marvelous gears within his mind turning to the rhythm of his hands. It has no other meaning (and it’s not done to annoy you.) It’s your signal to prepare yourself for a truly amazing treat of a well-thought out conversation.

Yum, I love well-thought out conversation — as I deliciously wring my hands savoring the moment to step up to the challenge for me to hold my own in an equally well-reasoned exchange.

But What if Your Quirk or Fidget Does Hamper Your Success?

How To Change A Quirky Body Language Habit

Though emotionally comforting quirky fidgets can calm us, yet those pesky, jerky movements or anxious behaviors often make others uneasy. Because they form as habits, often in childhood, they can be difficult to stop.

Some people go to great lengths to try to disguise them. Adjusting a cufflink, rubbing an earlobe, picking lint off clothes are just a few examples of the infamous fidget. While they’re a comforting behavior, they too often send an unfortunate and clear, nonverbal signal of nervousness. Hands are not the only fidget offenders; there is a wide range of unintentional non-verbal fidgets:

• Touching the face and neck
• Stroking or smoothing the hair
• Rocking, swaying or pacing
• Vibrating your leg while seated
• Clicking your pen or picking fingernails
• Playing with jewelry
• Inhaling then blowing the exhale through the mouth
• Laughing and sniffing

The fidget list is pretty long, and gender does play a role in preferred fidgets. Women usually play with necklaces and twist their hair, while men rub their necks and spin their rings. It doesn’t really matter what you do, though; usually, you’re not even aware that you’re fidgeting until someone points it out to you. Sometimes enlisting a friend to remind you when you fidget is beneficial.

You fidget because you need to self-sooth to relieve your nerves or anxiety. Those nerves cause your breathing to become rapid. Rapid breathing and the resulting lack of oxygen often accelerate fidgety and anxious behavior and so a repeating cycle begins. In an over-simplified definition, nervous, fidgety and anxious non-verbals are an automatic response from your limbic system.

The brain’s limbic system is hardwired to ensure survival and is responsible for the fight or flight response. As we have evolved, this habit has taken on a different meaning. Rarely is your life in real danger, as it was when this response developed eons ago. However, your limbic system doesn’t know this; but since you cognitively understand it, you can adjust your breathing and change fidget habits.

Your Fidget Reboot Button

The quickest way to calm yourself down without a fidget or two is by pushing your own internal reboot button: your breathing. Since you’re nervous — and fidgety or anxious and non-verbal behaviors are so automatic — it can take a bit more effort to be aware you are doing them.

If you know you will be entering a “fidget-situation,” make an effort to become consciously aware of and control your breathing. Use natural breathing, inhale to a five count, pause, exhale to a seven-count, pause, and begin the five count inhale again. Once you are aware, continue to breathe with low full abdominal breaths. The purpose is to bring the carbon dioxide and oxygen levels back into balance within your body allowing your nervous system to reset itself.

Breathe your way through it! That’s the key.

The post From the “Can’t believe what you see file…” appeared first on Sharon Sayler.

In 2013, Diana Nyad, 64, made a 110-mile swim from Cuba to Key West despite strong currents, sharks and stinging jellyfish that had stopped her previous four attempts… not to mention blistering sun and salt water for nearly 53 hours, little food, throwing up, no sleep and protective gear that hindered her.  Upon making land in Key West, Florida, Ms. Nyad pronounced “Never give up!” – perhaps a bit of an understatement….

It takes courage to continue to move forward in the face of long odds, failures and discouragement.

Did you know that COURAGE is a “muscle”? Well, technically not, but play along with the metaphor…because the more you use it, the stronger you get!!

It’s amazing what you learn about yourself sometimes. 

Just the other day, I had another life-changing “courage-growing” moment. I’ve never punched anyone on purpose in my life until the other day. Have you?

Of course, I’ve participated in the playful, horsing around types of skirmishes, but this was different. I really punched her as hard as I could — ON PURPOSE!   And now I’m sitting here slowly typing you this newsletter with an injured wrist, so please forgive any typos and it being so late….

I’m not suggesting you just go punch someone on purpose.  Let me explain what punching someone on purpose and cultivating courage have in common….

Every year for my birthday, I challenge myself to a new adventure — one that I normally wouldn’t consider.  It’s been as wacky as pole dancing, yes, pole dancing. Hey, they had a free intro session and I loved it.  It’s harder than it looks. You have to be strong to keep from flying off!

Another year it was skeet-shooting with my sister and brother-in-law. I had so much fun and I’m not too bad at it either…. There is something therapeutic about shooting clay plates out of the sky.

There has been rock climbing. My sons and daughter-in-law went with me, all scampering up the side like weightless monkeys, me not so much… it was great fun and I learned I don’t care for rock climbing.

Next came the need to ride a motorcycle. My youngest son went with me and he was the #1 student, while I definitely was not. (In fact, I was last in the class.)

This “crazy” yearly quest has taught me that I can do far more than I ever thought I could.

So what does all this have to do with nursing a sore wrist?  This year, although well after my birthday, I decided to try Krav Maga. It is a form of self-defense developed by the Israeli army in the 1940s. I think you can guess from just that description, how the sore wrist (and sore everything else) happened. I’m still undecided if I’m going back – I’ll let you know after the bruises heal.

Five simple ways to push your potential and find new passions

Be imaginative. Choose outside your box. If you feel a little tweak or twinge, then you are thinking outside your box.

Be brave. Move outside your comfort zone – even if just s smidge…. Anaïs Nin was right when she wrote, “Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.”

Be adventurous. Raise the bar on what you think, yes think, you can do. Too often our thoughts of “Oh, I could never do that…” limit what we really can do.

Be impeccable. Keep your promises to yourself. Keep your commitments to others.

Be focused. Bright shiny objects are all around us. Cultivate an environment that allows you to stay focused on one thing at a time. Use your breath to have a relaxed presence and focus on each moment.

Take a deep breath right now and commit to pushing your potential. Share with me in the comments below what first steps you are going to take right now… Ms. Nyad’s triumphant swim all began with her first steps….  What are yours?

Are you ready to move past your fears and beliefs? What would happen if right now, you made the decision to move, and have the discipline to impeccably follow through? Share in the comments, I’d love to cheer you on!!

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