It’s true, familiarity can breed contempt, but it’s a longer route than most people think.

My friend, Debbi (a pseudonym), made me stop at the donut shop with her every day as we walked to high school. And every day, I would joke, “You should just get a job here, then you could have all the donuts you want.”

She did get a job there, and within two weeks she never wanted to eat another donut — let alone see or smell one! I guess it was too much of a good thing; her expectations didn’t match her reality. To this day, she doesn’t eat donuts. That I would call contempt.

However, in my experience, familiarity doesn’t usually breed contempt so quickly, if at all.

Years ago, I met a great guy, and I fell in love — hard and fast. It was wonderful. I was captivated by his smile, laugh, and very presence. All I could think about was being in love. Those early days of love are intoxicating.

At first, the more time we spent together, the more exciting it was. Then one day, something changed. It was no longer exciting. It just “was.” The change was subtle at first. It’s not that I was upset. I didn’t feel hurt, or angry, or even frustrated.

What happened?

I no longer felt twitterpated. Being around that once special person just felt…different. The thrill, the zip, that unique spice was gone. His quirks were no longer fun. My “love” went from a new adventure to “It’s just him.” The excitement of love was now just an expected love and I was too young and too naive to know the difference.

When it’s familiar and expected, it’s not that the familiarity bred contempt; it bred indifference. I’d confused the expectations of newness and adventure with love.

Oh, the things we see in hindsight…

We rarely remember what we expect until we don’t receive what we expected. 

Be honest with yourself. Has the “no longer special” attitude crept in? That’s the beginning of indifference. If allowed to fester, it often breeds contempt.

Those times when it becomes a bit too expected or predictable, think out of the box and change the routine in a way that both of you will enjoy. A simple way to start is to say “thank you” again for the unique little things and see what happens.

…

If you’d love to know how your body language is being judged, I have a gift for you: The 5 Little-Known Things That Affect How Others See You… body language e-book (outside Medium link). Some might surprise you! What fun!

The post How To Handle It When Love Becomes Contempt appeared first on Sharon Sayler.

“What?” I know my jogging is not pretty, but really, how rude…

I look up, getting ready to tell her off when I see why she’s yelling STOP! Her protests are for a little girl; I’d guess to be about 5-years-old.

“Don’t worry. I know how to do it,” the little girl confidently said as she threw her leg over her pink and white bike. Off she tottered, picking up speed as she went.

As I turned back to look, the woman really seemed scared to death. Being a mom and a grandma myself, I knew exactly how the woman felt. Having launched a few kids into bike riding myself, it was apparent it hadn’t been too long since the little girl’s training wheels came off.

Wobbling side to side, the girl was picking up forward momentum. Faster and faster, she peddled while her glitter-covered handle tassels fluttered and a mop of long curls flowed out from under her helmet. “I can do it! I can do it!” the young girl proclaimed to the wind. “I’m doing it! Look, Grandma, I’m doing it!”

Now, the little speed demon is halfway down the block. The woman continues her protests, “It’s downhill, stop, you are scaring me to death!” she yells again at a markedly increased volume as the girl comes to a busy corner. I take off down the hill to get to the intersection first.

While catching up to the courageous little moppet, I yelled, “You did it!” I joyously shouted with a smile as she came to a perfect stop at the corner. She turns and looks directly at me. “I know I could….” she beamed. 

I beamed too. All while hoping the protesting woman wouldn’t scold her. Most of our limiting beliefs are embedded throughout childhood from someone else’s view of an experience. I can think of more than a few that float around in my head— fears that tend to be installed in my familial culture. 

As counter-intuitive as it feels, this was the time to compliment the courageous kiddo that she stopped at the dangerous corner. And, it’s the time to have an honest conversation that you were frightened. Don’t just give them instructions or, worse, condemnations. 

It’s tough to balance keeping them safe and encouraging them to challenge themselves. Too often, the fears and judgments that are set within us are through others’ life experiences. Their old and perhaps updated realities can become our reality and can take a lifetime to undo.

What would you do if you knew you could?

p.s. I know grammatically, “I know I could….” should be “I knew I could….” But she said, “I know I could.” I like the faux pas; it fits a 5-year-old.

*Adapted from original article published October 6^th, 2012

The post Want to Pass On Success? Try This. appeared first on Sharon Sayler.

…

As a child, I used to play card game after card game, Crazy Eights, Old Maid, Hearts, Spoons, etc., with my beloved Aunt Myrtle. Each match, she made me create a strategy from what I was dealt. Even if one round went badly, the game kept going, round after round. Even the worst hand could end up winning with some luck and a solid focus.

What Aunt Myrtle’s child’s play taught me about life:

1. Quit tolerating mediocre. To attract the results I want, I must commit the time and space to learn the rules of the game to receive the results I want.

2. Choices will hold me accountable. Before I act, I will know my intention and desired outcome(s).

3. Stay focused. Most problems are solved the same way; it’s just the details that are different.

4. Stop wasting time on the shoulda, coulda, and what-ifs of life. Know that I can let go, to go in the direction I want.

5. Think from multiple points of view at the same time. Imagination and creative thinking drive results. Results drive outcomes.

6. Do not force an outcome. Outcomes may arrive differently than I expect. I will leave room for luck to amaze me and be grateful when it does.

7. Implement your plan in a direction that is simple and flexible.

8. Play win-win regardless of who wins. It’s a game of hearts. Dismiss the glass-half-full or half-empty perspective. I have a glass. Share it.

Regardless of the game’s name, the best (and worst) part of the game is it’s up to me (and maybe a bit of luck) to get the results I want.

Thank you, Aunt Myrtle, so far, so good.

…

If you’d love to know how you are being seen, I have a gift for you: The 5 Little-Known Things That Affect How Others See You… body language e-book. Some might surprise you! What fun!

I look forward to connecting with you and enjoying the grand adventure of life. I’m passionate about communication, finding answers, and making meaning out of challenges including living well.

You can find more articles and musings over at Medium too.

Connect with me here too:
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A previous version was published in a book written by Sharon Sayler titled ‘Life’s Short. Live Passionately.’

The post What Aunt Myrtle Knew: Her Crazy Eight Growing Up Right Rules appeared first on Sharon Sayler.

Oh no, arms crossed over the chest! 
What have I done to deserve that?
They hate me!”

Maybe… maybe not.

Most people jump to the conclusion of ‘bad news’ when they see a person crossing their arms. This “closed posture” often causes the viewer(s) discomfort and a feeling of being ‘shut out.’ In business, the perception is usually seen as “They are annoyed” or “not open to discussion.”

Whether it’s a feeling of being judged, or you’ve done something wrong, or they don’t want to talk, it can feel awfully lonely when you are on the receiving side of crossed arms, even if it all could be a hallucination.

Every day, we balance our observations of others’ behaviors and our emotional responses to what we observed against what might benefit one or more situation(s) and be drawback(s) in another.

Imagine a sliding scale with positive on one end and negative perception on the other. Now, rate the following behaviors on that scale: raised voice, rapid breathing, stern tone, slightly dropped chin, wide eyes, erect posture, and pointed finger. Most observers would place these behaviors somewhere on the negative side of the scale by labeling them as upset or angry responses.

Each behavior taken independently could indicate multiple emotions besides anger or distress. They all play a role, and in a different context, one might use the same behavior pattern to alert others to danger. If they used those same behaviors to keep us safe, many observers would slide the behavior(s) to the positive side of the scale.

Quickly reading one movement or a single segment of someone else’s body language more accurately tells how you and they are feeling in the moment, not what they are thinking.

Of course, arms crossed over the torso are not the only body language position that can be misinterpreted. Behaviors and the body language patterns they create are neither good nor bad; they are simply behaviors. The context, including how you feel in the moment, changes the perception of the “rightness” or “wrongness.”

Sometimes it’s hardest to come to terms with the most straightforward conclusion. Many people habitually cross their arms across their chests when listening or waiting. Could it be that crossing their arms is relaxing their backs and necks? Or maybe those crossed arms indicate they are chilly or have gas from that lousy lunch.

The post Get Over It. They Could’ve Just Had Bad Sushi For Lunch appeared first on Sharon Sayler.

– Is there physical, mental, and emotional clutter just hanging around?

– Are you holding on to ideas that no longer serve a purpose?

– Do you feel disorganized – physically, emotionally, and mentally?

Mind-clutter- things, ideas, and emotions that are blocking you from your potential.

1. Identify the essential. What is important?
2. Identify what to eliminate. What’s not essential?
3. Recognize the impacts of both essential and eliminate.
4. Let go.
5. Create strategies to stay de-cluttered.

“Three Rules of Work: Out of clutter find simplicity; From discord find harmony; In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity.” ~Albert Einstein

Have a great day whatever your adventure.

To Success! To Life!

Sharon

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Dear Sharon,

I belong to (an international speakers training group). When it’s my turn to give a presentation, they count my “ums, ahs and uhs,” which is good.

The problem is, I can’t stop saying ums, ahs and uhs! I actually think it gets worse when I know they are being counted. Help! How do I stop myself?  Regards,  Fred (name changed)

Great question Fred!

Welcome to a large club, you are addicted to the verbal pause.

So what is a verbal pause? A typical verbal message has two parts: the actual spoken word and the pause between the segments, sentences, and thoughts. As you know, it is natural to pause when you speak; it’s when you breathe. However, when you fill the pause with words such as “um, ah, uh, and you know,” it detracts from your message.

Verbal pauses are distracting. Instead of looking calm, confident and intelligent, the audience sees you searching for the next “real” words. Even worse than saying “um” and “ah” is saying an extended word or bridge word. Examples of bridge words are “aanndddd,” “bbuutttt” and “soooo.”

Eliminating the verbal pause is a two-step process: awareness and practice. First, it’s important to be aware that it is in the silence that you will look most intelligent. It allows the listener to catch up with what you said and have a moment to reflect or commit your message to memory.

Being aware that meaningless extra syllables or words like “um” that make you look LESS intelligent is often enough to cure those addicted. That’s a tweetable!

Second, the “um,” “ah,” “uh” and “you knows” are warning signs that you need to breathe. They are all exhales and a signal that your brain is not getting enough oxygen to continue to think clearly.

When the brain has all the oxygen it needs, it’s easy to remember things, think clearly and appear credible and confident. When you run out of oxygen, your brain starts feeding unintelligible words to your mouth — your clue to stop talking and start breathing.

A Strange but True Fact About the Silent Pause

To maintain the attention of the listener(s) during a silent pause, you must use a “frozen” hand gesture. Holding a hand gesture without moving it throughout the pause allows the listener’s mind to see, feel, interpret and internalize your message, which adds extra impact to what you just said.

Move or change the gesture only when you begin to speak again if you want to hold the floor, or connect what you previously said to what you’re about to say. If you want to disconnect the two thoughts, drop the gesture before you speak again.

How Long Do I Pause In Silence?

The size of the audience determines how long you pause. In a normal one-to-one conversation, a pause is short: only a second or two to get a complete breath.

When talking to a small audience of 20 or less, keep your pause just a couple of seconds long. Watch a clock – two seconds can feel like a long time. A pause of three seconds may add emphasis to what was just said, but longer and the small audience thinks you are done or lost your train of thought.

You have more latitude with a large audience. A pause of four to six seconds and the audience will think the pause is to emphasize what was just said… and those that were not paying attention will begin to wonder what they missed. A silent pause longer than eight to ten seconds, and the listener(s) will begin to fill the silent void, frozen hand gesture or not.

Watch a TV preacher sometime and notice how they use an extended silent pause. The extended pause is to encourage you to reflect and agree with what was just said…. They have mastered the extended or “for emphasis” silent pause.

When you master the power of silence, your message will be seen as credible and trustworthy and thus more effective.   That’s a tweetable!

Embracing each and every experience

To Success! To Life!

Sharon

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For years, I would get obsessed when things went wrong and fret over “What did I do wrong?” I would ruminate and ruminate… sometimes I would uncover something I did or said and sometimes not. A fair amount of the time, I couldn’t discover what, if anything, I’d done to cause a difficult response, conflict or an unexpected response. Yet, why did I always feel I was walking and talking on “eggshells” and the follow-up internal dialogue always evoked a “WTF, now I have to make it right, perfect, better, fair…” even when I knew I’d done nothing wrong.

It was exhausting.  Maybe you can relate? inally I realized often times the response had nothing to do with me or what I’d done (or

Finally, I realized, often times the response had nothing to do with me or what I’d done (or not done.) what is my number one rule for dealing with difficult people?

QUIT TAKING IT PERSONALLY!

Now, maybe you are thinking “That’s it!!”  Well, it’s a huge part of it….

Simple, I know, but not often easy.

My dear friend and longtime mentor Michael Grinder, shares this anchor* to remember to not take things personally… Carry a Q-TIP (yes, the cotton swab) in your pocket as a physical and visual reminder to QUIT TAKING IT PERSONALLY!  (QTIP) Tah-dah! 

*An anchor is a catalyst used to ‘trigger’ a consistent positive or negative memory response. We learn by making links and associations and an anchor is anything that gives you the desired response, it can be physical like the QTIP, or a pinch of your finger, a sound, an image, a touch, smell, a taste etc.

Try it, let me know how it works for you in the comments below. What other ways have you found to not take things personally?

Have a great day whatever your adventures,

To Success! To Life!

Sharon

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Energy vampires push boundaries. Having clear boundaries is essential to a balanced lifestyle. The placement of boundaries is directly related to self-concept and feelings of self-worth. Someone with weak emotional boundaries can end up feeling drained and wounded by others even if no fang marks are visible. Some examples of ‘fang marks’ can be:

• Excess criticism. It doesn’t even have to be about you to drain you, “Did you see the way that waitress treated me?”
• Personal attack. “You’re stupid to think that.” “You can’t do that!”
• Misplacement of responsibility. Commonly called guilt, “How come you didn’t stop me!”

Boundary setting problems come from distorted views about control and responsibility. Our perceptions and expectations will affect the kind and degree of boundaries set with individuals. Many are good at setting certain boundaries with certain people, yet cannot set boundaries with others. Setting boundaries can produce feelings of guilt and emotional debt. People with blurred boundaries may feel:

• it is ‘mean’ to hold people responsible for their choices and behaviors
• the other person will not make the right choice
• the need to control, protect or shelter someone

Sometimes people do have burdens too big to bear. They need our strength, time, support and knowledge. Sometimes they just think the burdens are too big to bear. Good boundaries support and encourage others without carrying them.

Any confusion of responsibility and ownership is a problem of blurred boundaries. Blurred boundaries can cause people to lose track of what belongs to them and what belongs to the other person. Surrender the need to control everything and everybody in life.

Similar to the concept of physical property lines, the owner of the property is responsible for what happens within that property. Non-owners are not responsible. Remember, behaviors have consequences…. Experience your consequences and let others experience theirs. Protect your Self. Energy vampires will suck you dry if you let them.

Have a great day in whatever your adventure.

To Life! To Success!

Sharon

The post Vampires are lurking appeared first on Sharon Sayler.

…

How To Look Confident Even When You’re Not Feelin’ It

You know, that feeling, maybe a bit nauseous, dizzy, weak in the knees, and or quivering voice—physically and mentally, those proverbial butterflies are swirling about and are often referred to as a case of ‘nerves.’

You know, that feeling, maybe a bit nauseous, dizzy, weak in the knees, and or quivering voice — physically and mentally, those proverbial butterflies are swirling about and are often referred to as a case of ‘nerves.’

When the ‘butterflies in your stomach’ are ruling your thoughts, as you can imagine, your body language is not saying confident, commanding, and in charge of yourself, let alone leading the group. When that happens, the trick is to get your butterflies flying in formation fast!

But how?

Try one or more of these five techniques to counteract those jitters and instantly bring you back to the present moment as the confident, composed leader you are. You’ll be amazed at how quickly they work!

Present Moment Power Move #1: The Wet-Dog Shake.

Just like a golden retriever after a joyful splash in its favorite pond, have a mighty head-to-toe shake! From top to bottom, shake your whole body. Shake out your arms, hands, legs, and feet (all at the same time if you can.) The shake is a fun, quick recovery technique.

Fair warning. You have to be careful if you are the only one doing the ‘Wet-Dog’ in public — who knows what the casual observer might think… Yet, no need to do it alone. If you are leading a group and the group has had a shock or negative surprise, the Wet-Dog shake works well to get everyone back on track after the upset and maybe even get a laugh or two.

If a great shake is too much for the situation, try bouncing a few times on the balls of your feet. Add a backward and upward shoulder roll for extra zip. In one fluid, quick movement, lift your shoulders towards your ears, press the shoulders back, and then (snap) drop them quickly to create a backward rolling motion. The shake, the bouncing feet, and the backward shoulder roll work well to reset your system.

Present Moment Power Move #2: The Cold Water Splash. 

Cold water splashed on your face, swished around your mouth, and or an ice-cold water bottle pressed against the inside of your wrists will also bring you back to the present moment.

It’s not always opportune to splash cold water on your face. Yet, swishing cold water around your mouth works well and is semi-socially acceptable and easy to do. And in a pinch, just pressing something ice-cold to the inside of your wrists will help bring you back quickly too.

Present Moment Power Move #3: Take Up Space. Spread out.

It’s as easy as take-up-more-space, uncurl your shoulders, breathe deep, stand erect, and keep your head up. Research shows that others believe those that take up more space to be confident and dominant.

They are called “power poses” in body language, and a version known as the “superhero” pose was made part of popular culture with Amy Cuddy’s TedGlobal2012 Talk. Her study results suggest that the expansive posture elevates testosterone and decreases cortisol (one of your stress hormones), leading to an ‘increased feeling of confidence and control.’ However, there has been debate among social scientists about the ‘reproducibility’ of the study results.

Power poses can be done standing or sitting and don’t have to involve a ‘superhero. ’Most people who use Power Move #3 find that taking up more space physically, including moving out paperwork and a coffee cup on the meeting table or even expanding their presence through thinking they are getting ‘bigger’ works to change how they are feeling.

So, give a power pose a try… it’s simple, accessible, and straightforward, just spread out. And, an expansive posture makes it easier to be successful with my favorite — Power Move #5.

| Please, if you try the “superhero” pose, do it in private, as I find the pose can be misinterpreted as a bully pose in public.

Present Moment Power Move #4: Laugh It Off. 

Laughter is a ‘best medicine.’ A hardy laugh or simple giggle, yes, giggle, even a forced chuckle, will bring you back to the present moment. Giggling or laughing resets your breathing pattern, relaxes your face and chest muscles, and gives you an overall feeling of well-being and happiness. Some even report a joyful “buzz!” What a great way to bring you right back to the moment.

|Bonus: Try to have a real good laugh several times a day. It’s theorized that regularly having a good laugh boosts your immune system and mental health too.

And, my favorite… 

Present Moment Power Move #5: Conscious Breathing. 

It is the most often overlooked and underestimated nonverbal form of communication. And, it is the most helpful quick state change technique I’ve learned.

Too often, under stress, people tend to hold their breath or breathe shallowly, activating the fight, flight, or freeze response. Conscious breathing is deep breathing — filling the lungs. The aim is to supply more oxygen to the body when it’s under stress to decrease its autonomic responses.

How we breathe profoundly influences our body responses, including mood, brain functions, nerves sensitivity, and how tired or alert you feel, even your “fight, flight, or freeze” response.

This Power Move is choreographed to create conscious awareness of your breathing.

1. Breathe in through the nose and blow (exhale) out through the mouth once or twice.
2. Then switch to inhaling through your nose. Slowly, fill your lungs. Then through your nose, extend your exhale about twice as long as your inhale. Repeat a few times; most people feel their bodies unwind after just a few deep breaths.

The exhale is when the body relaxes, and switching back to nose breathing continues to calm the mind and body. If you stay with mouth-breathing too long, you can reactivate the autonomic nervous system, the primary mechanism for your flight, flight, or freeze response. Neither mouth breathing or holding your breath is a good thing for settling butterflies…

Don’t believe me… Try this quick experiment.
Quickly sniff (short rapid inhales through the nose) 10 times.
What are you feeling right now?

Most people feel a twinge of anxiety. That is the beginning of the fight, flight, or freeze response.

Reminding yourself to breathe naturally and comfortably, no matter the situation delivers a nonverbal message of confidence and poise. How you are breathing is contagious too. It directly influences those around you. When you relax and breathe through your nose, slowly filling your lungs, those nearby begin to relax just like magic — it’s amazing and true.

Conscious full breathing brings us right back to the present moment in just one deep breath or two. Full breathing should feel as if your torso is expanding 360-degrees, where you feel your ribs and even your back expand. Practice this quiet and steady way to stay in the present moment; your body will thank you.

|Current event note: You may notice when wearing a mask, you switch to mouth breathing. Try to stay with nose breathing while wearing a mask; it will help keep the autonomic nervous system relaxed, as mentioned above.

So, remember to use one or more of these five Power Moves to get those ‘butterflies’ into formation and send a nonverbal message of confidence,

Updated October 13, 2021

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Some boundaries can be easily recognized, other boundaries can be stealth…. Those recognized and those that are stealth differ for everyone based on past experiences, unconscious bias, limited beliefs etc. A common boundary issue I see plays out like this:

• You are overwhelmed with demands that are made on you which have nothing to do with your job.
• People are disrespectful of your time, your work, and of YOU!
• You do things for people you hardly know at the expense of your family or friends and your own mental and physical well-being.

Protect Your Yes.

To master your “No” you must first know your “Yes.”  Your “yes(s)” are those people, places, and things that are important enough to you that you want to share your most limited resource with them – your time! Too often we put what and who is most important to us last — because we rationalize that “they will understand.’  This was happening to Fran.* Fran asked me what to do about Sue*, a coworker. Sue is a “nice person,” according to Fran but she is perpetually late with projects and excels at making her tardiness Fran’s emergency.

Fran wanted me to help change Sue’s behavior… and she was disappointed to discover that rarely works, and not the problem. The real problem is Fran has trained Sue that she will bail her out at the last minute – every time.  Fran and I worked on a script that she recently used with Sue – several times. (Sometimes, it takes time to “un-train” them.)

To politely prioritize her “yes” Fran says with a smile: “I understand your dilemma Sue, and I already have commitments to other team members / clients / a volunteer organization …. I’m sure you can see how doing your work wouldn’t be fair to them. It’s important that we all follow through on what we promised to do, isn’t it?  All the best with your project.”

Now, I know that sounds a bit contrived, a script is always just for practice. It will sound different each time, and you will develop your own style. The main concepts are to acknowledge that you listened to them and that you have other commitments that require and/or already have your ‘yes.’

Fran recently mentioned that Sue is still always in a last-minute-panic, but it’s no longer Fran’s responsibility to save her and Sue is learning new skills of organization and time management (whether she really wanted to or not… but that wasn’t our problem—was it?)

What has not knowing how to say “NO” cost you…?

*Names chosen to protect confidentially and are not their real names

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